I'm Nuts about these Nuts

The good folks at Diamond Foods have been making smoked almonds for as long as I can remember. That was pretty much the end of it; they came in regular and smoked. This brings to mind the following questions:

• Why smoked, why not boiled, dry roasted, honey roasted, or one of the other more traditional nut cooking methods?


• Do they smoke these in some sort of giant tee-pee, at the same time they do some fish and a couple of pigs, or just use smoke flavoring?


• Bill just used a semi colon... did he do it properly?

I can answer the last question - there are only eleven people on earth that know how to use a semi colon properly. Even fewer understand the balk rule. The intersection of these sets is rather odd, there is exactly one person on earth who understands exactly when to use a semi-colon and the balk rule. Oddly enough it is Russian dancer Mikhail Baryshnikov (Russian: Михаил Николаевич Барышников). I know what you're thinking... "Bill my 8th grade English teacher knew how to use a semi-colon." I'm sure she did, but I was talking about people. Also you're probably wondering why I included the Cyrillic version of Baryshnikov's name... I just think it looks cool.

Anyway, we were talking about nuts, and I think that Diamond Foods has come up with the greatest advance in nuts since the invention of dry roasting. Dry roasting is a process that I know nothing about, but I assume that Mr. Peanut was somehow involved. I suppose it could be reseached easily enought. Get back to me on that ok?

What Diamond came up with is the "Wasabi and Soy Sauce Almond". Why, I don't know. I hate to think 0f the ideas that must have failed - poodles may have been involved. But these have a sudden burst of horseradish that just sorta goes away, followed by almond flavor (which I think may actually be natural). I highly recommend them.

I don't get money from Blue Diamond... or anybody else. Think this was funny? Email me here. Didn't think it was funny? Use the same link.

State Fair, Inc

Here at State Fair, Inc. we are dedicated to bringing fair goers the newest and most innovative fried foods in the world. We were the inspiration for both the cornballer and that "deep fry just like at the carnival in your home" kit on Bob and Tom. A few years ago we amazed the world when we offered the deep fried candy bar. People say that there is no pioneer spirit left in this country, but they must be wrong - because not since Orville and Wilbur Wright have people in North Carolina subjected themselves to such personal risk for the good of society. But thankfully fried food innovation did not stop on that fateful day of December 16, 1903 when Orville and Wilbur became the very first people to deep fry a candy cane. Pioneer spirit lives on(Unfortunately the deep fried candy cane is sometimes over looked because they did something the following day too.)

This year we are proud to offer fair goers Deep-fried Coca-Cola. Some people said it couldn't be done. Cardiologists and dentists world wide said it shouldn't be done. But we did it. You can't defeat the pioneer spirit. The real breakthrough came in the realization that it was impossible to actually deep fry Coca-Cola, you have to deep fry batter and flavor that with with Coca-Cola. Fred "Lefty","Nine-Finger","No-nose" Jenkins gave his life for this valuable information. Now he's talking shop with Rudolph Diesel. You can't kill pioneer spirit.

This year we are also proud to offer fried Oreos, fried Twinkies, fried Moon Pies, and fried cheeseburgers. The lucky residents of South Carolina will also be treated to deep fried Ho-Hos, as the legislation regarding the regulation of deep fried Ho-Hos is still pending in South Carolina.

http://www.wral.com/statefair/10052413/detail.html

If You're a Yankees Fan, Just Don't Read This...

...unless you're going to send the link to all your friends and increase my hits. My ego could use the boost. You were warned.

I try to be positive in life. I'd rather pull for a winner than hope somebody loses. This is how I would like to live my life. But in reality, if the New York Yankees lose, I'm generally pretty happy. And they did just that - again. At least they did it on a budget. That A-Rod guy seems like a bargain at $25 million for ten years.... what's that? Oh, its $25 million per year for ten years. Well, Howard Stern still makes more money, maybe A-Rod will work out. I do think it would be funny if until he comes through in the post season they make him answer to his middle name, Emmanuel.

Yankee fans think that people hate the Yankees because they win so much. Actually not true - we hate Yankee fans... you know who you are... and we do it for the following reasons:

• If you're going to say "we" when you refer to the Yankees, please be ready to tell me when you played for them. If you did, odds are you have the best pickup line in any bar (unless there happens to be an astronaut hanging out (kinda funny to picture them leaning against the bar talking to a girl while wearing the space suit)), but otherwise don't say "we" - because "you" didn't do anything. You didn't even spend Steinbrenner's money (which is another topic altogether).


• The Yankees have won 26 championships. Twenty of them were before I was born, and I don't care about them. You might as well stomp about talking about how many presidencies your political party won since 1789 (or whenever they invented political parties in this country).


• Don't go on about the Red Sox, or the Cubs, or whoever not making the post season. Steinbrenner spent nearly $200 million and won one playoff game. They lost to a team that hasn't seen a league championship series since 1984 managed by a career minor league chain smoker.


• Go ahead and blame Joe Torre - There's a home for you in Chicago, Joe.


• If you live in the Southeast and haven't been to a game in 5 years or more, don't go about acting as though you're super fan. Even with the disparity in coverage, you only have to watch about 12 games a year. But even in the age Fox Sports XXX the Cubs are still on WGN a couple of games a week.

As for me... I'll stay a Cubs fan. Just wait 'til next year - hopefully they aren't "The best team in baseball... on paper" next year. It didn't work out well this year.

Its Over Johnnie

I'm back (picture that Eminem song about "guess whose back" playing in the background while you contemplate the fact that I don't know the name of the song and must not actually like Eminem very much). I've explained before that Bill Daniels is my alter-ego. It turns out my actual ego had a rough couple of weeks and nothing seemed funny. What I'm trying to do here is more of a humor column than a traditional blog, so I tend not to force things when nothing seems funny. If anybody wants to pay me to write for their website/newspaper/[put something ridiculous and funny here] I will be happy to force it. I seem able to in my professional life.

Now on to the title - it will help if I explain a couple of things:

• Dusty Baker's real name is Johnnie
• I like the Opie and Anthony show, and they play the "its over Johnnie" sound clip sometimes
• The sound clip is from the end of First Blood
• In David Morrell's book First Blood Rambo dies, sparing us sequels.
• I think Morrell might have spelled "Johnnie" "Johnny", but I don't care enough to look it up
• I could look it up, I have the paperback I borrowed from my friend Sean just under 20 years ago (Sean - let me know if you want it back)
• I'm too lazy to come up with a name that rhymes with Sean, although sometimes I think it is funny to protect people's identity when it is clearly not necessary
• Even though Rambo died in the first book, David Morrell wrote the first sequel - losing any brownie points he may have gained by killing Rambo in the first book.
• The Chicago Cubs fired Dusty Baker today

I had the thought last week that the only comment I had on baseball season was that I was looking forward to the end - like somebody with a terminal disease. Then I realized that Bill Daniels' sense of humor isn't as dark as mine and decided against it. Boy am I glad I didn't write about that.

But the regular season is over, and the Chicago Cubs, called the "best team in the league - on paper" before the season started, finished a respectable 66-96, getting edged out by Tampa Bay and Kansas city overall, but still clinching the worst record in the National League by one game.

Hockey season starts Wednesday.

Hey, you could probably buy my vote

Ok, maybe not buy it, but you could get me to vote for you. Just run on an issue that's important to me.

But Bill, you say, I thought you were and imaginary alter-ego and therefore avoided all issues of politics and religion? Well that's true, unless I think it might be funny. And there is no shortage of funny issues regarding politics and religion. Maybe someday I'll create another alter-ego that doesn't pull any punches, talks about politics and nut-jobs and gets upset and swears... but not right now.

So you want me to vote for you? Here's what you do:

1. Promise that during your time in office that most popular media outlets will not play anything from the Lynyrd Skynyrd catalog. Or any version of the song Hotel California. Or anything by Led Zeppelin. Or any Pink Floyd song recorded after 1973. Nobody ever plays the ones recorded before then anyway.
2. Once again, I thought I needed a list, but actually that's it. Run on the "No more Lynyrd Skynyrd, any version of Hotel California, anything by Led Zeppeln, or any Pink Floyd song recorded after 1973"* platform, and you have Bill Daniels' vote.

* This included playing "Sweet Home Alabama" between plays at professional hockey games, which makes just slightly more sense than whatever the hell the chicken dance** is.

** According to Wikipedia, "It has become a staple dance at weddings and at Oktoberfests." This bascially means that something called the chicken dance is popular at affairs that serve a LOT of beer. I ask, does this even need to be written, or is sort of self-explanatory?

Why Lynyrd Skynyrd? Are they the worst rock band ever? No - I'm sure they're not. In fact, I'm pretty sure that Styx is... I'll write about that another time. Actually I love all of the bands concerned here (except Styx). But frankly if I have to hear the Ballad of Curtis Lowe again, I could go into a homicidal rage. Or I might just learn to avoid classic rock stations. But that latter hasn't happened so far, so I'm a little concerned. Hotel California, Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd are just along for the ride.

I was really hoping to get another couple of paragraphs out of this, but it looks like it ends right about here.

Interesting Quote Wednesday 9/13/2006

"It Was a Short Summer, Charlie Brown"

--Linus van Pelt

The Darn Chicago Cubs

Keep a couple of things in mind:

1. Bill Daniels is my pseudonym and alter ego. He's nicer than I am, uses nicer language, he's a nice guy.
2. I guess that's it... it seemed like I was going to need a list.

This weekend Bill Daniels and I - who are really the same person - flew from what we put in our profile as "Averagetown, Southeast, USA" to Atlanta, GA to visit my friend who I'll call "Strom". Besides visiting, I did this to see the Chicago Cubs play the Atlanta Braves, a baseball team I hate with every portion of my being. This brought up a number of issues for me:

1. Strom is a huge Braves fan, and a nice guy. He got us free tickets that were so good, I couldn't even manage to crack jokes about the seats being lousy.
2. I like Strom, so I almost felt a little guilty about hating the Braves so much.
3. Even though I have a wife and two children, I went alone.
4. I took an airline that once parked a DC-9 in the everglades. This isn't meant to be funny, just matter of fact. To be fair, they have changed names since then, and hopefully maintenance habits.
5. The only hope the Cubs have this season is a strike that lasts well into the winter months. Where are Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow when you really need them?

So I went. And the Cubs lost. I got to see Matt Murton's home run, and things looked promising until the bottom of the third inning. Kinda like all those times you blew a 300 game in the second frame, y'know? I'm not nearly as nice as Bill Daniels, so the stream of obscenities, sometimes yelled at the umpire, rarely included the word "Darn". At least Strom got us good enough seats that the umpires may have heard me.

(actually I didn't use obscenities while yelling at the umpire, there were children in front of me. I find yelling at umpires therapeutic, I recommend it)

Interesting Quote Wednesday 9/6/2006

Normally I poke fun at myself for not writing things that are timely. I try to be current, but generally wind up writing things that are neutral at best (like I Love Coffee). Tonight, unfortunately, one doesn't have to think too hard to be current:

"The one thing I would want to be remembered for is passion and enthusiasm. Conservation is my life, my job, my whole persona."
-- Steve Irwin

I liked his show. Seemed like a good guy over all. Did a lot of good stuff for animals, and kids liked him. I'm kinda glad my kids aren't old enough to have watched the show.

Interesting Quote Wednesday 8/30/2006

"I fell asleep at the computer and never found a quote"

-Bill Daniels

Fear not, tomorrow it'll be Wednesday again, and I'll try to be better rested.

I Love Coffee

The title says it all - I love coffee. Do I need a cup or two to function properly in the morning? Am I addicted to caffeine?

Could be. I have actually quit drinking it once or twice, but always come back. Why? The answer is two-fold actually:

1. A coffee habit isn't exactly a big problem. As addictions go its legal, socially acceptable, and doesn't generally leave people on the street.
2. I love coffee.
3. It is really annoying me that I put this in as a numbered list, but the numbers are getting clipped by the picture of the caffeine molecule.
4. I want to keep the picture, I think its cool. Plus its public domain, and the first picture I found of coffee beans wasn't. I didn't feel like looking for a second coffee bean picture.
5. I think I ran this list out long enough now that you can actually see some numbered items and maybe now you can tell that "A coffee habit..." was number one and "I love coffee" was number two.
6. Ok, I guess the answer wasn't really two fold, it was six-fold. Or five-fold anyway - maybe this one doesn't count.
7. In its final published form, the numbers don't seem to be clipped, possibly leaving you somewhat bewildered about numbers 3-6.

As far as I knew until about 1992, coffee "beans" were the little ground pieces that I was so familiar with. But, probably thanks to Starbucks, at some point people decided it would be cooler to make actual coffee beans (which are bean shaped, not the individual ground pieces as I had thought) available to the normal man. I guess its is all because somebody invented a coffee grinder smaller than a Buick that could be sold to every household in America. This was neatly followed by the home espresso machine. The espresso machine is what you use if instead of spending three minutes making eight cups of coffee you want to make one cup of coffee in just under an hour - before cleaning time.

What prompted this rant against "fancy" coffee from somebody who loves coffee as much as myself? My office has a trick coffee grinder. It is a fancy, high-end, semi-industrial model with a dial you turn that allows you to specify how much coffee you want to grind. It then randomly grinds an amount between one pot's worth of beans, and one quarter teaspoon. We started getting ground coffee again, which I am incredibly thankful for. Believe it or not, when a ziploc bag of coffee is stored inside tupperware (or a non-copyrighted tupperware-like facsimile), it just doesn't matter - to me anyway. I find the trick grinder so irritating I am writing this even though we're back on "normal" coffee. Plus I wanted to write, and this was the only thing that came to mind.

So, a couple of words to the wise:

1. Just buy "coffee", not beans. At least for first thing in the morning. After your first cup you can better handle grinding, cleaning, etc.
2. Don't stand between Bill and the coffee, at least not before 10:00a.m.

The New Cars

I haven't been able to write much lately - I try to stick to funny things, and I guess nothing seems funny. I thought I would finally break through... I had this terrific rant about the price of tickets to see The New Cars, but it turns out I was simply wrong. I'd say they're still a little high, but in line with the other tours going on this summer - they all cost too much. But it turns out that the $199 tickets I saw on the official website are a special deal that includes a "meet and greet" with the band. I'd shake your hand in the parking lot for free, but then I never put a single in the top 40.

The only other funny thing that has happened is embarrassing. I thought - I was certain - that the word "significant" was "signifiGant". I didn't really think that the 'g' was capitalized, but I wanted it to stand out. Generally, I spell pretty well. There are words I have trouble with, but I tend to know what they are (barrel, tomorrow...) and pay special attention to them. This I was just wrong about, and clueless too. I wouldn't even have pronounced it right. This should probably explain why I haven't "made it" as a writer, and should not expect to anytime soon.

In sports news - I'm still a Cubs fan, and the Cubs are really, really, really, really bad this year. I'm not sure why I still check scores. I've never claimed to be an optimist, and I've certainly never been accused of being one, but I guess that one little part of me must hold out hope.

Interesting Quote Wednesday 8/24/2006

"I didn't have a scouting report on him. Obviously he can hit 65 mph fastballs."- Mark Grace

On September 2nd 2002 Mark Grace - a career first baseman - pitched the 9th inning as his team lost 19-1. The quote above was on giving up a home run to Dave Ross - the first of his major league career.

Its been a rough year to be a Cubs fan. Yeah, I know, Mark Grace played for Arizona in 2002, but he's still a Cub to me.

I can't get this to format correctly, but I am now well into "Tired at Work Thursday", so I'm going to have to let it go.

It Is "Interesting Quote Wednesday"

I recently voiced a number of ideas I've had to generate traffic. Most of them were stupid, ridiculous things that I made up to try to be funny. Also, it might be the first blog entry in history to mention both U2 and Cutting Crew. But I hinted at Interesting Quote Wednesday, which I've decided to try. For normal people, espcially those on the East coast of the United States, it will be Intersting Quote Thursday, because I stay up kind of late when I write.

Here is today's quote:

"Fantastic!"
- Michael Collins

This might bear a little bit of explanation. On July 20th, 1969, we landed men on the moon. As far as I know we did this just because it was there. Some amazing advancements we take for granted came out of the space program, and I was always told that Velcro was one of them, although I see no mention of it in my almost 30 seconds of research. Right this minute, I'm not sure the American spirit is one to go somewhere just to prove it can be done. I think we will again, but right now I'm not sure.

Anyway - we did it. At about 3:18 p.m. Neil Armstrong and Edwin E. "Buzz" Aldrin landed the lunar module on the surface of the moon, and Edwin E. "Buzz" Aldrin spoke the first words said on the moon: "Contact light." After which he began to contemplate who gave him the nickname "Buzz", and that it might not have been a compliment.

The next sets of words spoken from the moon were spoken by Neil Armstrong who said:

Shutdown.

and then:

Houston, Tranquility Base here, the Eagle has landed

Which is pretty poignant considering he was busy contemplating why he was never given a nickname. Then Charlie Duke of mission control said:

Roger, Tranquility. We copy you on the ground. You've got a bunch of guys about to turn blue. We're breathing again. Thanks a lot.

And then Michael Collins, left orbiting the moon in the command module said "Fantastic!". He actually said he never felt lonely, that he knew his part of the mission was as important as the other two parts. But you'd have to agree that Edwin E. "Buzz" Aldrin and Neil "I don't have a nickname" Armstrong are pretty much household names - in the United States anyway. But Michael Collins doesn't come up that often, so he is honored with this week's "Interesting Quote Wednesday". Tune in again next week for "Interesting Quote Wednesday", which of course will really be on Thursday for most of you.

Thanks to skygod.com for a page full of great space program quotes.

If I Were On South Park...

• 
  If I ever "got on down to South Park", I might look like this. I actually look nothing like this, but I do have long hair and a goatee. The goatee is usually obscured by the fact that I don't shave as often as a responsible man in his mid-thirties should. Also, I have a lot of red t-shirts. I am thankful that the Eric Cartman body was not available.

So how did I come up with this? I came across the link below on a message board. I have to leave it "below" because it seems to becausing some trouble mixed in with regular text.

If you try it your first question will be "How Do I Save It?". That part is left as an exercise. That's what all the hard problems in computer science books say about the part you really need to know.

http://images.southparkstudios.com/games/create/index.html

Worthless Observations On Trying to Be Funny, and 1987 Trivia

I really try to be current here. I do try. Obviously, I have failed miserably since the Stanley Cup Finals. Why? Because I lead an incredibly boring life, and don't falter under the impression that it will be interesting to you. But I really do want to write. I went through all the trouble to pick out a pseudonym and fake names that rhyme with the real names of most of my friends.

I could stop trying to be funny and talk about what is in the news, but frankly I don't understand most of it. We're fighting a war, or I suppose dealing with an occupation at this point. I'm not sure how its going - but people don't like it - that's probably a good thing. If we ever fought a war that too many people really liked that might be scary. Israel has a ceasefire in a war that I don't really understand but I think they're fighting it in Lebanon, but they aren't fighting with Lebanon per se. People don't like the President much, but I think that's been covered. I hear the price of gas is high.... I hear that every ten minutes or so, so I don't think there is any point in me covering it here.

So I need something funny to talk about and since I can't think of anything current, I'll settle for something that happened in 1987. But we'll do that in a minute.

I also want to address how to get people here and how to get some feedback on exactly how bad my attempts are. I had a few thoughts:

• Do something controversial. Pick some group of people who annoy me, and verbally assault them. If people notice it might generate some traffic. So I did that with a group of people that I find truly annoying, those who imitate characters in Austin Powers movies. By and large the one person who read it didn't seem to get it. Perhaps I should have picked something more tangible, like a political group, or an orange (see, now you wonder what I'm talking about - you want to click that link - go ahead).
• Recurring features. It works for bad morning radio. So I was wondering how many people would tune in on a given day of a week to see something in a recurring theme. I had ideas for a couple of possible themes:
1. Quotes by Rudolph Diesel Wednesday
2. Reality TV wrapup Wednesday
3. Something on a day other than Wednesday
4. Random links to thing I already wrote Tuesday
5. I am not aware of any other quotes by Rudolph Diesel, hate reality television, and
   it really seems like I ought to start on Wednesday because its right in the middle of the week.
• If you use bullets instead of numbers, and say something vague like "I had a few thoughts", you don't have to keep changing the numbers around when you get a new idea (or forget one).

So please, if you think its worth reading, tell a friend. And if you don't, tell me. You only have to tell me once, it won't take much time.

In 1987 a song by Cutting Crew - (I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight - was on the charts at roughly the same time as a song by a band called U2 - With or Without You. The two events are linked in my mind. I specifically remember sitting and talking to a friend who was a police officer at the guard shake of the Air Force base that I lived on while both of these songs played on the radio. That one thing linked the two songs in my mind.

(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight was one of the top hits of 1987. Cutting Crew were nominated for the Best New Artist Grammy, and sank into relative obscurity. Its not that there subsequent records were not good, but those are the rules: You get the Best New Artist Grammy, you've had your hit. Just ask these guys. Here in 2006, nearly twenty years later, a version of Cutting Crew with as many as one original band member have released a new album. I hope it does well.

As for that other band - I'm not sure whatever happened to them. I hope they saved some money.

Maybe I'll be Funny Tomorrow

It is a lot of pressure knowing that ones of people come to this very website everyday looking for a laugh. Unfortunately, I just can't come up with anything to write about tonight. I hope I'll be funny tomorrow.

All in all it was a good day - the Cubs won.

An interesting quote

With hindsite on our side, it is easy to quote a prediction that doesn't make the speaker look too bright. For example:

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."- Popular Mechanics, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

I happened to trip upon a quote today that made speaker look pretty visionary. And that visionary man is Rudolf Diesel. I had always thought that Diesel died when one of his diesel motors exploded, but two sources say that nobody knows for sure.

Here's the quote:
"The use of vegetable oils for engine fuels may seem insignificant today, but such oils may become in the course of time as important as petroleum and the coal tar products of the present time." - Rudolf Diesel, Patent application, 1912

The X Games

The X Games were this past weekend... The X Games are what ultimately occured when a group of atheletes looked at film of Joe Theisman writhing in pain after his final play on the football field and said "heh, wuss". First there was "MTV Sports", which was hosted by Dan Cortese - who I like to think of as "the poor man's Keanu Reeves". Every week he would go out with a group of people who were riding mountain bikes down the side of mountains, bungee jumping, etc. It was the early 90s and Extreme sports were all the rage. In fact, everything became extreme. Soda, deodorant, toothpaste, paper plates. Pretty much anything you could sell got the word extreme plastered on it. I think when they came up with extreme programming that was the end of the line. Because it was sort of like saying "extreme geek" or "extremely uncool. Perhaps that's why just the 'X' stuck.

The X Games pretty much involve people taking bicycles, skateboards, and mortorcycles, riding them over jumps as high as they possibly can, and doing tricks while in the air. There used to be a few more games, but I imagine that bungee jumping on television just didn't hold the same alure after Fox's "When Bungee Jumping Goes Bad".

I love the X Games. I'm not sure why. I've always liked watching this sort of thing, and never seriously entertained doing any of it. You see, when I saw the replay of Joe Theisman's last play that Tuesday morning in 1985 I didn't go "heh, wuss" - I went "My God, he may never walk again", and since he did, I figure I might not - so don't tempt fate.

My favorite is watching the bikes. The greatest X Games althelte ever is bike rider Dave Mirra. I have a lot in common with Dave. He lives in Greenville, NC, and I used to live there. I had a bicycle as a child, he rides a bicycle professionally. He got Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher, and I have seen several episodes of both Punk'd and That 70s Show. So maybe that explains my love for the X Games, with Dave and I being so close and all. Dave Mirra suffered a lacerated liver during practice this year and was not able to compete.

The highlight of this years X Games seems to be Travis Pastrana doing a double backflip on a motorcycle. This marks the first time this trick has been performed succesfully in competition, yet he didn't receive a perfect 10 in the scoring. I just want to reiterate - this young man flipped a motorcycle that he was riding twice in the air - and didn't receive a 10. I was hoping for a Nadia Comaneci reference here, but I can't seem t0 make it work.

Snakes on a Plane

Snakes on a Plane is the next summer blockbuster coming out. It opens August 18, 2006 - and features the generally mild mannered Samuel L Jackson. I suspect it is about snakes on an airplane. But then again I'm not sure The Piano was really about a piano. Somebody told me it was supposed to be erotic, but after 20 minutes decided that no amount of sex could save that movie and gave up. So I don't really know for sure, and there was a piano there - but I had a feeling that the movie was about something deeper than the piano - if you were to watch the whole thing.

In 1988 there was a hit movie called "Die Hard". It featured Bruce Willis as a New York cop who is in a building in Los Angeles when a group of European terrorists (in the 1980's these were technically reffered to by the term "Eurotrash") take over the building to steal a bunch of stuff and try to kill everybody. Bruce Willis kills all of them instead. Had Bruce Willis been killed by the bad guys the movie would have lasted twenty-eight minutes and had a sad ending. This version didn't do well in screen tests. So they went with the "sell out" ending, and not only did it do well, it spawned sequels - Die Hard 2, Die Hard Goes to College, Die Hard Meets Earnest, etc. As we speak, "Die Hard - Isn't Bruce Willis Getting Kinda Old For This Stuff, and is the Situation With Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, and Bruce Willis a Little Creepy?" is in pre-production.

I'm not a film expert, but I have seen some on television. It seems there was a period after the release of Die Hard where all the new action movie ideas were pitched relative to Die Hard. "Die Hard on a Bus", "Die Hard on a Boat", "Die Hard on the set of Regis and Kathy Lee where We're a Kinda Rooting for the Bad Guys". I guess Snakes on a Plane was pitched as "Die Hard on a Plane with Snakes".

So why am I writing about the movie Snakes on a Plane, which I frankly have no interest in? Well, I'm hoping if I mention Snakes on a Plane enough times, I might get some accidental traffic from search engines. Also - I wanted to share this link. You can set it up to have a pre-recorded version of Samuel L Jackson call a friend and tell them to go see Snakes on a Plane. Its very funny - certainly more fun than working.

A Funny Thing Happend at Sam's Club

Usually these stories are titled "A funny thing happened on the way to ...", but this is probably as witty as I'm going to be for tonight.

Sam's Club - a giant warehouse filled with the largest possible quantity of every known food item in the universe. For those of you unfamiliar with Sam's Club, its like Costco. For those of you unfamiliar with Costco, its like the price club where Kramer bought the Beef-A-Reeno (note to people who "don't get Seinfeld" - the rest of us "don't get" you).

I have often joked it would make a pretty good reality show to send hungry people into Sam's Club with $100 and see what they came out with. It wouldn't be any Tommy Lee Goes to College, but it might have a short run on the reality TV list. Why? Because hungry people love peanut butter, Sam's Club carries very large containers of peanut butter, and somebody eating peanut butter directly from a five gallon bucket is extremely funny.

So my wife and I stop by Sam's on the way home from work to get diapers and formula. Why, because there couldn't be anything more boring. I like to think that I used to be cool, but the truth is that I just didn't have kids and didn't have to stop at Sam's for these particular items.

No trip to Sam's is complete without a swing through the clearance section, and there it was - a 61" television marked down to less than half its original price. $1150 - it comes out to $18 per inch (diagonally of course, to measure a television horizontally would just be pandemonium). Long story short, we took home the diapers, formula, and the television. Special thanks to my friend "Terry" (whose identity I will protect by using a fake name that rhymes with his real name), and his wife who is also my friend but her name doesn't rhyme with anything...., wait a minute... his wife "Oksana". She'll be thrilled to know I made her a Russian figure skater. Well better that than to be left out I suppose.

And I guess there isn't much left to say, except that when I'm standing across the room - I never squint to see the television. It is maximum strength television. You can see the picture of course, but there isn't really anything to give a relative size. I could have stood next to it, but

1. You would see my face and I would give away my true identity, thus spoiling my pseudonym and bad jokes about protecting people's identity by using names that rhyme with their real names.
2. You would be able to see that I am fat
3. I'm really starting to question this whole pseudonym/fake name joke thing. I suppose it will make more sense if anybody I don't know personally ever reads this.

And as is the true test of any video device for a man in his mid-thirties - Star Wars looks great on it. Thank you, George Lucas, for releasing these on DVD. And profane insults for making Greedo shoot first and then re-releasing the original-originals again next year.

If you read this, please drop me a line with an honest comment, that way I know if anybody is paying attention. Although I guess I probably look like a guy who would ramble on when nobody is paying attention anyway.