I Never Said Goodbye

"I Never Said Goodbye" is an album released by Sammy Hagar after he joined Van Halen. I believe he was contractually obligated to Geffen Records, and owed them one more album. To know for certain would require "research", which journalists are big on, but I'm not a journalist, I'm a blogger... I guess. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be irresponsible, or making any indictments of the blogging community in general. In this case it just really doesn't matter if it was a contractual obligation to Geffen Records, I was just looking for a clever name.

I started this blog because I wanted to be a humor columnist, like Lewis Grizzard or Mike Royko. Well, I wanted to be alive, so I guess I wanted to be more like Dave Barry. "Blog" seemed like a bit of a buzzword, the flavor of the month. I Didn't Want a Blog, or so I thought. But it a friend of mine convinced me it was the most practical way to reach people so I got started.

Then I took some time off. I didn't plan to, which is why I never said goodbye (or "seeya later"). I just went and wrote some other things, and didn't do this while I was busy with those other things. To be specific, I wrote a screenplay. To be more specific, I wrote a filthy screenplay. I don't know why. I put in anything I thought was funny, and it came out pretty dirty. I'd love to say that it was "adult", but filthy or dirty might be more appropriate. It had a sex scene. I never dreamed I would write something like that, but it was funny. It wasn't pure pornography - it was somebody explaining something that happened in the past, and it turned out it was a lie. But it was a very graphic lie. I was shocked I wrote it. I thought it was funny though, so I left it in.

The screenplay will never see the light of day.

I had no idea how to sell or distribute a screenplay. I was pretty sure it was too filthy for even HBO to air, and I had a hunch that it wasn't very good. So I decided there was only one thing to do - convert it to a book. Of course, I had no idea how to write a book either. So I started going through page by page, creating background information for each character, adding all of the back story that was not necessary when it was to be a TV show. I converted about one-third of it, when for no apparent reason I lost interest. I re-read a bit of a couple of days ago, and I really think it is funny.

The book will never see the light of day.

My silly pipe dream about being a humor columnist was till kind of hanging out in the back of my mind. It is really unnecessary, because I have a really great job. But I guess we're always inclined to look toward the future, and as much as I love my job I might like to do something else when I am 50.

But I came to realize that while newspapers are a fairly reasonable form of media right now, trying to be a newspaper columnist right now is a little like trying to be a pinsetter in 1935 (because Gottfried Schmidt invented the mechanical pinsetter in 1936). Newspapers are history, like the phone book, rabbit ear antennas with foil on ends, and anything being colored avocado green. Well guacamole is still avocado green, as are avocados, but I don't understand why the hell anybody ever thought it was a good color for kitchen appliances.


So for better or worse, I'm back. I doubt anybody will notice the difference. But this time I'm not trying to write a newspaper column here, I want to be a blogger. And I want to be a good one.