I'll be back...

It's been a little while, but I'll be back. Too late to start something new tonight, but I have riveting commentary on how my new computer looks a lot like a new bed, a funny thing happening while picking up diapers and formula, loss of internet service, and the Chicago Cubs (for those who didn't catch the hi-lights, tonight's 15-4 loss was a lot closer than it looked).

The Practical Uses of the Pomegranate

I think that anybody caught imitating a Mike Myers character from the Austin Powers movies should be beaten with a pillow case full of ripe pomegranates. Its a joke, I would never imply that anybody should hit anybody else with anything I chose the pomegranate for several reasons:

• It is the most ridiculous fruit I could think of. As far as I know, I have never seen a pomegranate face to face. I actually had a hard time finding the link for it because I misspelled it so badly.
• When ripe, I would imagine it softens like most fruit does when it ripens.
• A pillow case full of ripe fruit shouldn't severely wound anybody Its a joke, I would never imply that anybody should hit anybody else with anything, merely teach them that going about saying "ghet in mah bhellly" is not only unfunny, but they could face corporal punishment. Quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail is still funny. I don't know why, but as a software guy I would be terrified to ever imply that it wasn't funny.

I think Mike Myers is funny. I think most of his movies are funny on one level or another. I actually thought Austin Powers was funny. But I don't think I can stand to hear those characters imitated one more time.

I know what you're thinking... "Bill, I have a pillow case, but where can I obtain pomegranates?" Well Its a joke, I would never imply that anybody should hit anybody else with anything it turns out that the pomegranate was first grown in California in 1769 (and even then people bitched about the traffic in L.A.), so I would imagine you can buy them somewhere. I'd try a supermarket or other place where ridiculous Mediterranean fruits are grown.

So now your thinking, "Bill what if I'm in a fashionable New York restaurant and see somebody doing 'Its a maaannn, baabby' and it is actually Mike Myers?" Well, I would say Its a joke, I would never imply that anybody should hit anybody else with anything that while Mr. Myers did actually play the characters in the movies, he is not to be excluded.

Thoughts on the Wong-Baker Facial Grimmace Scale

I don't like going to the doctor. Most of the times my wife takes me to the doctor she would probably rather take an angry rotweiler to the vet. But everytime I go, the one thing that stands out to me is the "Wong-Baker Facial Grimmace Scale". It is a series of smily faces that progress from happy to sad. This is supposed to help somebody explain how much pain they are in. It must be a hoot when they use this in the delivery room.

I don't have a lot of funny things to say about this. When it is needed for children, or people who don't speak the doctor's language, it is probably really important. But the thing that always gets me is this:two doctors have their names attached to a scale that is a series of smily faces. I'm sure I'm simplifying things, but it seems to me like Wong or Baker could have handled it on their own.

If you read this, please drop me a line with an honest comment, that way I know if anybody is paying attention. Although I guess I probably look like a guy who would ramble on when nobody is paying attention anyway.

The All-Star Game, the Chicago Cubs, and Procrastination

The classic 1976 movie "Rocky" is a great American story about somebody who is too stupid to stop getting up when he's been beat. This may in fact be what America is all about. I'm not sure because people regularly claim America is "all about this" or "all about that", and there is usually no way to tell that they are right. In this movie the heavyweight champion Apollo Creed decides to fight an unknown boxer and give him a shot at the title, it is basically a publicity stunt. Buy the unknown boxer, Rocky Balboa, gives the champ a harder time than he expected. As the rounds tick past, Apollo's trainer Duke eventually tells him "He doesn't know it's a damn show! He thinks it's a damn fight!" (a lot of people thought that Duke stole the show, but to my knowledge Tony Burton has never been nominated for an Oscar).

All-star games are perhaps the most worthless thing in sports. The NFL's is held after the season, and just barely in the country. The NHL's is pretty much a normal game, provided you have ever seen an NHL game with a 14-12 score and no hitting. They are almost playing a different sport. I hear that basketball has an all-star game, but I really don't care. That brings me to baseball, whose all-star game is equally worthless as the others. A few years ago, the all-star game had to be ended in a tie because it ran too long. People were angry because there are not supposed to be ties in baseball. My thoughts:"They don't know it's a damn show! They think it's a damn baseball game" (try to picture Tony Burton's voice w/a different one overdubbed on the appropriate words).

So now to make the all-star game actually matter, the winner ("winner" is Latin for American League Team) gets home field advantage for the World Series. To quote Max Klinger, "I think it's the most stupidest thing in the world. You call it a police action back home, right ? Over here it's a war. A police action sounds like we're over here arresting people, handing out parking tickets. A war's just killing that's all." Ok, really only the first sentence applies, I just thought it might be funny to include all of it.

On to the Chicago Cubs... They're bad. Really bad. I would like to thank the Pittsburgh Pirates for somehow managing to be worse. The Cubs have been plagued by injuries to key players, and the fact that, apparently, they just aren't very good at baseball. However, leading up to the all-star break they had won three games in a row. I understand this is called a "streak", and it was tied with their other best streak of the season. I thought about writing about this, but I didn't. If you see how terrific my last couple of posts are you will probably understand why I waited.

Today the Cubs played their first game after the all-star break and lost to the New York Mets. I should have written about that streak while I had the chance.

Almost Cut My Hair

Almost cut my hair

Happened just the other day

It's gettin' kind of long

I could've said it was in my way

Warning: I'm not funny tonight (could be I never am, but tonight I'm not even trying much)

The above hippie dribble was written by David Crosby around 1969. Believe it or not, when I refer to this as "hippie dribble", I don't really mean for that to be insulting, just honest. Also I guess for this to make sense to anybody other than my friends/family that read this I have to mention that I'm one of the oddball thirty-something guys in the world with hair well past my shoulders.

Nothing really funny happened today. Work is a little frustrating right now, and a family emergency led me to skip tonight's concert activities - rather than rock I had to visit a sick relative. I don't mind - its the right thing to do. Besides, I didn't feel like going alone and I'm pretty sure my friend who I'll call "Gil" to protect his identity was going to bail out anyway (ok, everybody who reads this knows who it is, I called him "Gil" because it was funny).

Every weekday, my wife and I drop our kids off at daycare. This makes me feel a little old because it is one of the only places people have ever referred to me as "Mr. (my real name)" and I felt comfortable with it. Usually I'm a first-name kind of guy, but when you're dropping your child off at "school" (sometimes we call it "daycare", sometimes "school", and sometimes "the baby kennel"), it feels appropriate to be addressed as "Mr".

This morning, for the second time, a boy of about five years I would guess asked me why I have long hair. The first time the answer was "Its just cheaper that way", and today I believe it was "It just worked out that way buddy". It sure did make me feel old. When I was that young man's age it was 1975 and a man my age with long hair did not stand out.

I don't remember too much about 1975, but I was there. From what I've seen in movies I gather that the Rolling Stones "Gimme Shelter" played pretty much non-stop, except in Vietnam where Doors songs could be heard playing even in the jungle.

Thirty-odd years from now when they're making movies about today's political climate, and today's war, I wonder what music will play in the background. The odds are pretty good that:

1. My hair is longer than the members of those bands
2. Those bands enjoyed most of their success after 11:59pm December 31, 1989, and therefore I never quite felt like I understood them.

If you got this far and you're wondering what the point was... I guess I didn't have one.

At 35, "Rock" is Just a Noun

I like the Opie and Anthony show. I try to keep my blog pretty clean, their radio show is not. But it is funny if you enjoy a "no-hold-barred" type of humor where you never say "you can't joke about that". If you are, to pick a random example, my parents, you might be convinced that the un-censored half is one of the signs that the decline of Western civilization is complete.

A while back, Gregg "Opie" Hughes mentioned the Night Ranger song "(You Can Still) Rock In America," questioning exactly what the hell that means. Were we ever in danger of not being able to Rock? Were there other countries where Rock had been outlawed, but it was still legal in America? Were they just pointing out that after 30-odd years (at the time) that Rock was still available? Nobody knows. Perhaps if you knew more of the lyrics than:

You can still rock in America!

Ah yeah, s'alright"

it would shed some light on it, but probably not. That was the 1980's for you though, the lyrics just weren't that deep. Ten years later the grunge movement would be in full swing and more intellectual lyrics like

A mulatto,

An albino,

A mosquito,

My libido,

Yea!

would cause the music in the 1990s to seem more thoughtful and well-read.

In 1984 Twisted Sister released the "Stay Hungry" album, which scared a lot of parents, probably mine included, but the truth is that they were far from the scariest thing out there. I have a hunch I might have been a pain in the ass if I never heard a Twisted Sister album. Anyway, the album contained the song "I Wanna Rock". Not a song about one's longing for granite countertops, "Rock" is a verb once again:

I wanna rock! (Rock)

I wanna rock! (Rock)

I want to rock (Rock)

I wanna rock! (Rock)

The subtle use of the word "to" in the third line disambiguates the whole thing and proves Rock is in fact used as a verb. In 1984, this made sense to me. In 2006, it pretty much goes on the same shelf with a hippie talking about the oil companies keeping a genius from releasing an engine that gets 200mpg. I still like the song, but I'm not sure whether or not I have time to rock right now. And if I do have time, I'm not sure what the hell it means. I'm pretty sure people who prefer jazz enjoy their music just as much. I'm not sure if they're rocking, or jazzing, or they just don't address it.

Later on in the week, I'm going to a concert. A rock concert. Perhaps I'll rock, I'm not really sure. Could be I'll rock and won't even know it. But one thing is for sure - I'll bitch about paying for parking.

Thoughts on World Cup Soccer

Its been almost a week since I wrote something here. I'm afraid that not too much seemed funny. My goal here is to be funny. Not 'knee-slapping laugh-out-loud" funny. But kind of "crack-a-smile-while-sitting-at-the-computer" funny. I'm trying to be tell your friends funny. And I do have kind of a funny story about I set out to buy a computer last weekend and wound up with a new bed, nightstand, some sort of end-of-the-bed bench, media cabinet, and picture of horses.

But for one reason or another, that story doesn't seem quite funny enough. So I figure this is the time to tear down World Cup Soccer. Radio's Lazlow, whose short updates on XM radio I enjoy, pointed out that if you want to attract people to your blog you should say something controversial. I currently have a "no-way" policy about discussing politics or religion in this forum, but I figure attacking a sport that is popular in pretty much every country in the world might be enough to upset people. Thankfully everything I know about soccer will fit into a couple of paragraphs.

Soccer - from the Latin soc which is Latin for "the most popular sport ever", and the Latin cer, which means "except in the United States". Soccer is what occurred when somebody asked "what would happen if we took ice-hockey, changed the puck to a ball, got rid of the sticks, made the goals a little bigger, and instead of ice - played on a grassy field the size of Rhode Island?". What happened is Soccer. If only that person - who I am going to call Fred (for no particular reason) - if only Fred had asked "what would happen if we took ice hockey and allowed one player to wear a rocket like Wile E. Coyote?", I would be writing another entry about how terrific hockey is. Instead I'm saying this - If you make the above changes (the ones to make it into soccer, not the Wile E. Coyote ones), hockey becomes boring.

Every four years we have the Olympics, where all the countries of the world come together and play every sport known, and pick a gold, silver, and bronze medal winner for each one in about 15 days. Also every four years (but not the same year), we have World Cup Soccer. The only sport played is soccer. No Acme products are used to make it more interesting, its just soccer. Yet even though it is just one sport, as far as I can tell the World Cup runs for about a year, or at least the entire summer. The United States is out before the competition actually begins. There is one good thing about this, the United States players are allowed to quietly return to their jobs washing dishes in peace. In other countries where people care about soccer these people are occasionally killed - and there really isn't anything funny about that.

So why is soccer popular everywhere but here? I'm not sure. I think a lot of it is because the TV coverage usually involves one camera mounted on top of a skyscraper about a half mile away. It doesn't make for exciting television - and I'm a baseball fan.

I'm sure the "powers that be" will keep pushing soccer here. And we still won't care. We have the MLB, the NBA, the NFL, the NHL, NASCAR, the NCAA, and probably a few other acronyms that I'm forgetting. We just have too much going on.

Now that's out of my system. I wanted to do a World Cup article before it was over. Next time maybe I'll get around to complaining about the Cubs. I have a hunch they won't bounce back between now and then.

If you read this, please drop me a line with an honest comment, that way I know if anybody is paying attention. Although I guess I probably look like a guy who would ramble on when nobody is paying attention anyway.

Note: I found a picture of a Wile E. Coyote toy somehwere on the interent. I hope putting it here was legal.