No, I Wouldn't Jump of a Bridge Because Everybody Else Did

When I was a teenager, if you had to do something you didn't want to in order to prove you were a man (which you obviously weren't), you would probably try out for the football team. I didn't do that. Come to think of it, nobody I know did. Nonetheless, I maintain that this scenario makes sense, and probably right now a teenager is trying out for a high school football team that he doesn't wish to be a member of. And if he is lucky he will gain the respect of his friends, or father, or whomever it was that he wanted to impress. If he is really lucky, he will impress girls. If he is smart, that is who he was trying to impress in the first place.

In my mid 30s I found that I felt very left out of a sporting trend, and took up a game that I really don't care that much about just because everybody else did. Golf? No - the pressure to play golf in my 30s could not possibly overcome the hatred I had for it in my teenage years. Pickup hockey? I wish, but I can only skate in a counter-clockwise circle, and I think that would probably be a disadvantage (insert NASCAR joke here). No, the feeling of being left out caused me to take up poker, which at some point became a spectator sport. Sometimes I actually find myself watching poker on television. You have to consider the following issues:

• Poker is on television nearly 24 hours a day. World Poker Tour, Poker World Series, Celebrity Poker, Speed Poker, Homeless Poker, Inmate Poker, the list goes on and on.
• I like to watch sports, because it makes me feel like I'm not just wrecking my mind watching television. I don't like basketball, football hasn't started, hockey is over for the season... and I am a Cubs fan - and the Cubs seem to be losing quite a few baseball games this season - almost 61% of them as I write this.
• But Bill, you ask, what about Soccer? What about the World Cup? Well, I'm American, so I don't really "get it". As long as I can remember, it seems like the sports media has tried to get soccer to catch on in this country, and it just doesn't happen. I have an idea, shrink the field to about 1/3 of its current size, shrink the nets too. Instead of grass, play on ice, make the players wear ice skates, change the ball from a sphere to a disc, and shrink to about 1/3 of its normal size too. There, throw in a cool trophy and you would probably have a sport I'll watch.

I don't even go to an actual poker game. You sort of picture a sitcom scene with people sitting around a kitchen table joking and playing cards, maybe somebody who takes the game a little too seriously is wearing one of those visor hats and has a cigar (I'm picturing Jack Klugman, but he rarely drops by... ok, he's never dropped by, but he is alive so its possible... I guess in the interest of honesty I have to admit that I was pretty certain he was dead until I looked him up, it really worked out better this way because the joke was really turning too morbid if he was dead. Jack - come by for dinner anytime - I'm sorry I thought you were dead). Anyway, it isn't like the sitcom scene. I just play online at a poker website. They're easy to find. Just bring up your favorite web browser, type in "www.", then randomly bash your hand against the keyboard until some letters are typed, and then follow that up by typing "poker.net". More likely than not, you will find a poker site. This is is the method I used.

Tonight I lost $400 imaginary dollars. The word imaginary is key here, because I can lose $400 imaginary dollars, and tomorrow at work when poker conversation comes up (sometimes it can take until 9:14am before the subject is broached) I can explain how I lost $400 and be part of the conversation (although the truth about tonight is just that I lost every hand I played). Had I lost $400 real dollars I would be trying to decide if it made more sense to find a part-time job or a divorce lawyer. Now I had better wrap this up before I cause myself trouble staying up to late being an imaginary writer.

If you read this, please drop me a line with an honest comment, that way I know if anybody is paying attention. Although I guess I probably look like a guy who would ramble on when nobody is paying attention anyway.