What Is Bothering Me on Election Night

What is bothering me this election night is a problem that is not specific to people here in the Southeast United States, or even the United States in general. I imagine this is an issue that affects people worldwide. Well it might just be an American issue, I'm really not certain. Unfortunately, it does not appear on a ballot here in the red states. Or the blue states, I can't remember which one we are. One thing is for sure: if you put me in charge I'll make the states red and green and color blind men everywhere will just see a map. But red, blue, yellow, or pink - this issue does not appear on a ballot anywhere in the country.

The issue is this: "Why are men the only ones who can operate a toilet seat?" If you saw the bathrooms in my college dormitory it would be obvious that a lot of men are actually incapable of operating one, or of managing to "aim through" one that is down.

As men, there a few things that are just expected of us. Things that go beyond equal rights. We generally deal with the bugs. We have to squish the yucky ones, we have to shuttle the more benign ones outside (I imagine that roaches really hate crickets and find the fact that they generally get a free ride outside arbitrary and unfair. Crickets make a lot of racket and roaches are quiet (except the hissing ones), and roaches don't realize that they are completely gross and that their ability to multiply strikes fear into the hearts of homeowners everywhere. Roaches merely think that they are "family oriented"). Basically anything pest oriented falls on us. Women aren't big on emptying a mousetrap. But when a man just throws one away rather than pry out a dead mouse, they will point out that it could have been reused.

A lot of things fall on us. The thing is we don't mind dealing with the pests, yard work, oil changes, tire rotation, barbecuing, light bulb changing, etc. There are a few reasons for this, not the least of which is that men like to see women naked, and will therefore do what they say most of the time. Here are some other less logical reasons:

• Pests - You can't claim to be grossed out by bugs when you spend as much time scratching as we do.
• Yard work - Men like things that allow us to use moderately dangerous machines and see what happens when we run things over with the mower.
• Oil changes - We like cars.
• Tire rotation - See "Oil changes"
• Barbecuing - We like fire, and to cook on fire makes us feel like we are in touch with our caveman roots.
• Light bulb changing - While we agree that men and women are equal - we are simply taller.

But for some reason I do not understand we are expected to raise the toilet seat when need be, and lower it when we are done. I feel that women are perfectly able to operate a toilet seat, and as it does not involve bugs, internal combustion engines, fire, or reaching over ones' head, I see no reason we should be the only ones who can handle this.

So I say politely, "Ladies, if it is up, put it down".

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