While Driving Through Beautiful Eastern North Carolina

While driving on the highway in Eastern North Carolina on Sunday, I passed a car with the words Redneck Hottie written on the back window in large purple letters. I'll pause for a second and let that sink in...


OK. I should clarify a few things now:

1. Yes, as far as I'm aware this could be the first time that this combination of words has been written on the back window of an automobile in purple letters.
2. I'm hopeful that regardless of whether or not this was the first time that the phrase Redneck Hottie ever appeared in large purple letters on a car window, this will be the first blog ever written about about the phrase Redneck Hottie appearing in large purple letters on a car window.
3. This was not a pickup truck. In fact, it was a Toyota Camry, a pretty non-redneck vehicle.
4. As it was not a pickup truck, a gun rack was not involved.

Looking back on it, in all likelihood this person was an ECU fan driving home from the ECU/NC State football game. For the record, I attended ECU when their football team was ranked 9th in the nation. I do not remember the term Redneck Hottie ever being used, in team colors or otherwise.

In summation let me say this: Once you have driven vehicle with the phrase Redneck Hottie written on it in large letters, you've pretty much assured that at least half of this phrase is true.

Reflections On How the 1980s Ran Together

Not literally... well maybe that happened too, but it really doesn't matter to me right now. Believe me, if I can figure out how to exploit that for a couple of cheap laughs, I'll do it. Right now I'm talking about how things in 1980s movies ran together. Or rather, how movie makers ran them together.

What do the movies Footloose, Better Off Dead, Real Genius, and Scarface all have in common? Copious amounts of violence? No. The footage of Kevin Bacon as a dancing teenager being chained to a bathtub and silenced by a chainsaw was (regrettably) left on the cutting room floor. Also most of the cocaine trade in Miami was pulled from Real Genius.

Footnote: I don't think the Real Genius clip is real. The Better Off Dead clip isn't actually the montage, but its a claymation hamburger playing Van Halen on a guitar that is almost correct - it doesn't get any better than this.
Footnote 2: I miss claymation. Someday I'll write about The California Raisins, The Noid, and something else. The way I remember it, all of 1986 was claymated, but those are all I can remember right now.
Footnote 3: Adam West beating The Noid to death was one of the greatest moments in television history.

What these movies all have in common is the 1980s style montage. This is where about two-thirds of the way through a ninety minute movie, music would play while we watched a collage of the good guy characters doing whatever they needed to do to achieve their goal, which always involved winning the girl, who was always Molly Ringwald. Lately, these have been spoofed in current television shows. For example, here is Family Guy's "1980s Style Fixin' Stuff Up Montage". I'm not sure it is necessary to include here, but it took me hours to find it, so it goes in.
Footnote 1: In the case of Scarface replace "good guy characters doing whatever they needed to do to achieve their goal, which always involved winning the girl" with "bad guys who were the main characters achieving their goal, which was selling large quantities of drugs". It ended poorly for them. Well the montage ended fine, but the movie itself ended badly.

These were everywhere in the 1980s. Inexplicably, they went away in somewhere early in the 1990s. I suppose it is because most art took a "deeper" turn in the 1990s. Out were movies like Footloose and Better Off Dead, in were deeper, more serious films like BASEketball and Booty Call. The same thing happened in music.

I'm no student of film, but it seems the montage served two basic purposes:

1. To show time passing while somebody is learning how to dance, in order to woo Molly Ringwald
2. To actually pass some time when a ninety-one minute script falls two minutes short because the whole film can be explained in a paragraph.

This begs the following question: Why did Scarface have one of these scenes? The movie nearly happens in real-time. The extended DVD version is nine and a half days long. I should know, I own it. But it is a little difficult to watch when you have to little kids and rarely have nine and a half days free after they go to bed.

I can't end this without mentioning Barney being chained to a bathtub in a Scarface-esque drug-deal-gone-wrong scene. Ever since I wrote the last paragraph I can't let it go. Is it dark? Sure. But its "funny dark".

Think this was funny? Email me here. Didn't think it was funny? Use the same link.

What Is Bothering Me on Election Night

What is bothering me this election night is a problem that is not specific to people here in the Southeast United States, or even the United States in general. I imagine this is an issue that affects people worldwide. Well it might just be an American issue, I'm really not certain. Unfortunately, it does not appear on a ballot here in the red states. Or the blue states, I can't remember which one we are. One thing is for sure: if you put me in charge I'll make the states red and green and color blind men everywhere will just see a map. But red, blue, yellow, or pink - this issue does not appear on a ballot anywhere in the country.

The issue is this: "Why are men the only ones who can operate a toilet seat?" If you saw the bathrooms in my college dormitory it would be obvious that a lot of men are actually incapable of operating one, or of managing to "aim through" one that is down.

As men, there a few things that are just expected of us. Things that go beyond equal rights. We generally deal with the bugs. We have to squish the yucky ones, we have to shuttle the more benign ones outside (I imagine that roaches really hate crickets and find the fact that they generally get a free ride outside arbitrary and unfair. Crickets make a lot of racket and roaches are quiet (except the hissing ones), and roaches don't realize that they are completely gross and that their ability to multiply strikes fear into the hearts of homeowners everywhere. Roaches merely think that they are "family oriented"). Basically anything pest oriented falls on us. Women aren't big on emptying a mousetrap. But when a man just throws one away rather than pry out a dead mouse, they will point out that it could have been reused.

A lot of things fall on us. The thing is we don't mind dealing with the pests, yard work, oil changes, tire rotation, barbecuing, light bulb changing, etc. There are a few reasons for this, not the least of which is that men like to see women naked, and will therefore do what they say most of the time. Here are some other less logical reasons:

• Pests - You can't claim to be grossed out by bugs when you spend as much time scratching as we do.
• Yard work - Men like things that allow us to use moderately dangerous machines and see what happens when we run things over with the mower.
• Oil changes - We like cars.
• Tire rotation - See "Oil changes"
• Barbecuing - We like fire, and to cook on fire makes us feel like we are in touch with our caveman roots.
• Light bulb changing - While we agree that men and women are equal - we are simply taller.

But for some reason I do not understand we are expected to raise the toilet seat when need be, and lower it when we are done. I feel that women are perfectly able to operate a toilet seat, and as it does not involve bugs, internal combustion engines, fire, or reaching over ones' head, I see no reason we should be the only ones who can handle this.

So I say politely, "Ladies, if it is up, put it down".

Think this was funny? Email me here. Didn't think it was funny? Use the same link.