How Worthless Observations Work

When you spend time writing an Internet humor column that is read by almost nobody, it stands to reason that a small fraction of almost nobody have asked themselves, "How does he constantly make those observations?... those worthless observations". Well it goes like this:

• See ordinary situation
• Notice something ridiculous
• Try to use lots of side jokes and links to wikipedia to make it look like you did something


• Try to find an uncopyrighted picture to use at the top - If one is unavailable, use picture of Cubs hat.
• Swear profusely at the editor provided by blogspot, it is quirky about lists, which I rely on. I'm not sure why lists are funny, but they are.

I like NASCAR racing. There are two kinds of people in the world, those who think that NASCAR is boring, and those who enjoy it. By neatly dividing the world into these two categories I have sort of glossed over people with motor coaches who follow from track to track like people used to follow The Grateful Dead, people who get tattoos of their favorite driver's number even though he is likely only a contract dispute away from it changing. Well, certainly these folks are in the "enjoy" category. The people who think that it is boring don't do anything fantastic in protest to make worthless observations about.

Even as a fan of the sport, there's good races and bad - and bad generally means boring. It varies from track to track. There is a common misconception that race fans just like to see wrecks. By and large this is not true, although a good wreck is a little like a hockey fight. You could enjoy the sport without it, but it makes things a lot more interesting. What makes for a boring race is a track designed by a traffic engineer that is made with plenty of room to pass. What you want for a race track is enough room to pass. If there is never an issue with two cars battling for the same piece of space, this will not make for an exciting race.

Tonight I found myself wanting to write, but I had a rough week and not too much seemed funny, or ridiculous enough to make a worthless observation about. Then I turned on tonight's Sponsorship 500 on television. I'm not saying that this was a boring race, but at one point I looked up and former crew chief Larry McReynolds was performing a version of the classic "Saw a Woman in Half Trick". Ah, that's good ridiculous.... throw in a few wikipedia links and a picture, and I have something fit for almost nobody to read.

I was able to find a diagram of sawing a woman in half... but the Cubs won today. I'm just trying to be funny. If you read this please click here to and drop me an honest comment so I at least know somebody was paying attention.

Stunning Revelations in Pizza Acquisition

Earlier this afternoon I was watching last night's Nextel Cup Race (I haven't finished it yet, so when none of my ones of readers don't post comments, don't tell me who won). They have a new layout where they don't seem to go to commercial during green flag racing, they just show the commercial in a smaller screen. This eliminates the most famous phrase in auto racing, "While we were away". Also, it answers the question if accidents occur if there are no commercials.

One of the "commercials" that appeared at the bottom of the screen was for Papa John's Pizza, who to be honest I don't order from very 0ften, but I do find them to be the best of the chain pizza places. For years, you have been able to order a pizza from Papa John's online. Call me old-school, I like to talk to somebody when I'm ordering a pizza. After watching fireworks with my family Friday night, it was proven to me once again that most McDrivethru's cannnot tell the difference between "only onion" and "no onion", so I figure the odds of getting the pizza I wanted, delivered to the proper address, in a timely fashion, are somewhere in the neighborhood of George W. Bush's current approval rating (note, this is my topical/political humor for the evening). I should probably give them a chance, but frankly there is another pizza place closer that has a pretty good deal if I pick it up myself.

However, the "commercial" pointed out that there is a new URL: mobile.papajohns.com. This is that you use to order a pizza, from the website, with your mobile phone.

So unless I have missed something, this means that finally, in 2008, you can order a pizza from a mobile phone. Well I for one say "its about damn time" (that was my adult humor, to prove I'm not totally 'G' Rated). I'm all for ordering pizzas with a phone. I'm not so certain about these half-screen commercials, but I think its probably good.

The Cubs hat? Well, they took two of three from the Cardinals in St. Louis. Things are looking... not too bad.

I'm just trying to be funny. If you read this please click here to and drop me an honest comment so I at least know somebody was paying attention. Also, if you can think of a reason you would order a pizza using a mobile device and not just call to order the pizza, please let me know that too.

...and there is Love

Last Saturday, my friend Tom got married to a nice woman named Tara. I have only met her once, and briefly at that, but as far as I can tell she has sort of a calming influence on him - and this is a good thing. I was unable to attend the wedding. The phrase "unable to attend" should read "my wife and I decided that if we beg our folks to watch our kids for the weekend, we should probably go away somewhere and try to remember what we had in common before we had children". This doesn't mean that we didn't wish we were there. But one of the odd things about weddings is that it can be very difficult to actually see the people you are there to see. And in this case, I think Tom may have actually been relieved to have two less visitors from out of town.

That same night, the Carolina Hurricanes season ended when the Washington Capitals beat the Florida Panthers 3-1, mathematically eliminating the 'Canes. They became the first team ever to win a Stanley Cup and then miss the playoffs two seasons in a row. This wasn't a total shock after the year they had, but there was a lot of hope the last couple of weeks it looked like they would win the division. Between this and missing Tom and Tara's wedding (even if it was our choice), it was not a very good day.

I wasn't sure what to write about Tom getting married. I haven't written a lot lately but figured I needed to address it. So over the last week I've been thinking about Saturday and I came to the following conclusion: I will trade the Hurricanes having a Cup run this year for the two of you to have a long and happy marriage. And I'll do it gladly. I'd probably trade next year too - although I'd like them to make the playoffs first, okay?

The Chicago Cubs are 6-4, not the greatest starting record, but Kerry Wood is looking pretty convincing as a closer, Fukudome seems to be paying off, and I'm hopeful. Please realize that marriage is a lot of work. Tom and Tara, you can have the Hurricanes, please don't make me sacrifice the Cubs (I'm not saying I wouldn't do it).

Attached is the ultimate sappy love song. It seems appropriate. Congratulations and good luck.

Its Baseball Season...

Baseball. America's Pastime. A sport which moves at such a blistering pace that curling was actually invented to make baseball seem fast paced by comparison. I love baseball, but it can be a little hard to get excited about it when hockey season is not over yet and my beloved Carolina Hurricanes, a team who has won a championship in my lifetime. Let's just leave it at "my lifetime" and not explore the whole 100 years scenario.

The Cubs won their first game today, flying out of the gates with a 1-2 start. This is not that bothersome for the following reasons:

• The baseball season is 162 games
• We know for certain they will not match 1997's 0-14 start.

Last October, sometime after the Cubs 0-3 playoff performance, I registered http://chicagocubsbrokemyheartagain.blogspot.com/. I intended to write something recapping the Cubs 2007 season, but I never did. I didn't feel funny. But as a Cubs fan I was smart enough not to include the year in the title. Hopefully I won't need it this year, but it is there for us.

Just Haven't Felt Like It

My purpose here is to try to be the modern version of a newspaper humor columnist. This means I hope that I am funny.

I think I did some good work here, but I can't seem to push myself forward, because nothing seems that funny right now. I'm stuck in some kind of mid-30s funk. Not exactly depressed, more like numb - and cynical.

So let's look back at some of the things that happened in 2007, in no particular order. Maybe something will be funny and I'll feel like writing tomorrow:

• The Chicago Cubs made the playoffs. They lost three straight games. It was painful
• Van Halen toured with David Lee Roth for the first time since the Reagan administration. Just to keep things interesting Edward Van Halen's 16 year old son Wolfgang on bass rather than veteran bass player Michael Anthony. The shows were pretty good, and nothing really unusual happened... in 2007
• The Police went on tour for the first time since the Reagan administration. Rather than replace Sting with some body's child they decided to keep the original band intact. I didn't go, I imagine the shows were spectacular. I read Andy Sumner's memoir, "One Train Later". He's very English and wordy
• The war in Iraq sucks. Most people say we should bring our boys home, and will continue to until we do and then will say we should have saw things through
• There is nothing funny here: A little jerk who doesn't deserve to have his name mentioned killed 32 people at Virginia Tech before he committed suicide. It is my sincere wish that the news stop showing these people and calling them by name. They don't deserve it. Also I wish people who are suicidal and don't want help would cut to the chase and not take out people who are just trying to live there life on the way.
• The Carolina Hurricanes, 2006 Stanley Cup Champions, failed to make the playoffs
• Don Imus got fired. He shouldn't have
• Dog the Bounty Hunter got fired. I'm not sure if he should have or not, but his son really sold him out
• I came to the following conclusion: I wish nobody would say the 'N' word. The current rules seem to be that black people can say it and white people can't. I was born after the civil rights movement, and of course over a hundred years after slavery. Horrible things happened. If the rule is that black people can say it and white people can't, I'm OK with that.
• Jane Wyman, one time wife of future president Ronald Reagan, died. Not to make light of her passing, but I had no idea she was alive.
• Evel Knievel died. Its pretty amazing the man was alive. My oldest son is about the age I was when he was huge - it makes me feel old.
• Kevin DuBrow, singer for the 1980s rock band Quiet Riot died of a cocaine overdose.
• Musician and noted family man Ike Turner died of a cocaine overdose.
• Cocaine is bad. This was known in 1987 when Kevin and Ike's combined ages was less than 100. Still true now.
• North Carolina is in a such a drought, people hope that a tropical storm hits. It misses.

OK, that's it. Maybe in the next few days, something will be funny.

I don't feel like writing

I am posting because I don't want this blog to go dormant, but I really have nothing to say. Plenty to talk about. I'm sure everybody is dying to hear opinion #2,367,267 about Michael Vick, especially since I don't know much about football and even less about dog fighting.

My Van Halen tickets arrived in the mail yesterday. Big tour coming up... plenty of speculation. I don't feel like it.

Finally, I'm going to turn thirty-six, and I'm not thrilled about it. Could this be the root of why I don't feel like writing? I don't think so, but its not helping any. Maybe tomorrow.

Go Cubs Go

I had a terrific rant all lined up about VH1's "Save the Music" campaign, which I find to be just a bit more hypocritical than [name of politician or televangelist goes here, I'm leaning toward Al Sharpton], and the fact that MTV came on the air 26 years ago today. I was angry, and was even going to use the word "A**" right in the title. That's right, I said "A**". Don't push me, I have plenty of non-alphanumeric characters to go choose from.

But I can gripe about that some other time, because I'm pretty sure I will still think that MTV, MTV2, VH1, VH1-Classic, and MTV-no-music, are horrible television stations that are largely responsible for the horrible state of music today.

The Chicago Cubs are tied for first place in the NL Central division. They are also (at the time I am writing this) in a three-way tie for the wild card. If the season ended today, the Cubs would make the playoffs, and Barry Bonds would still be one home run short of the all time home run record. Bonds is gonna break that record, that's just the way things are. But the Cubs are in the race. I Believe.

Tom Snyder, the Chicago Cubs, and Barry Bonds

Tom Snyder was a television talk showhost and personality. At one point Dan Aykroyd's parody of Tom Snyder on the old NBC Tomorrow show became as well known as Tom himself. I'm a little young for that show, but got hooked on his incarnation of The Late Late Show on CBS in the 90's. It promptly went off the air(as did Sports Night, Bands on the Run, Boomtown, and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip). If you really enjoy a television show, the last thing you want is for me to become a fan. I have been waiting for Mr. Snyder to resurface on television or maybe satellite radio for the last seven or eight years.

The picture to the left is of Mr. Snyder in 1968. I could not find one from this century with a "clear license", so I'll go with the one that is nearly 40 years old, but has a GNU Free Documentation License. Here is one of Tom's classic interviews an interview with John Lydon and some lesser former Sex Pistol .

Tom died of leukemia sometime Sunday (7/30/2007). We'll miss you Tom.

"Fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air."

On to the Chicago Cubs. I had hoped to blog about the Cubs sliding into first place tonight, but they lost, and therefore remain one game behind the Milwaukee Brewers. On the whole, the biggest problem with being a Cubs fan seems to be their propensity to lose baseball games.

Apparently in Chicago some people have adopted the mantra "Its gonna happen". I'm not feeling that positive, and at this point I think I prefer the "We Believe" slogan adopted at East Carolina University in 1991 as the Pirates went on to finish ranked 9th in the country. Either way, the Cubs are still a strong contender for the NL Central division, and despite losing tonight, I have high hopes for tomorrow. I believe.

Finally, I have ones of readers all over the world, and absolutely none of them have said "Bill, how do you feel about Barry Bonds?" I've heard a lot of people suggest that when Barry breaks Hank Aaron's record there should be an asterisk, because of the whole steroid debacle. Here's the problem: nobody ever caught him. There are people who belong in prison, some of them ex-football players turned actors, who belong in prison. But we endured the legal process and they were found not guilty. I think Barry used steroids, but nobody ever caught him. Its even debatable how hard they tried. I think I may finally understand the phrase "Don't hate the player, hate the game".

That said, a tearful apology from Barry a year ago would have probably fixed all of this. But unless he bets on baseball in the next few days, he will break the record. The betting on baseball scenario is my favorite.

The Chicago Cubs, Van Halen, and Dogs

I'm still trying to figure out how to keep this interesting, which means, I have to post something, which means I am going to have to run a few things together... they won't initially have appear to have anything to do with each other, but once a barely experienced amateur writer like yours truly tweaks them for a while, you will be certain they have nothing to do with each other.



My mother once told me, "You didn't have a normal childhood, you're a Cubs fan". If you're a Cubs fan you understand. If you aren't, I can't explain it to you, but this makes sense. Red Sox fans, Indians fans, and maybe Toronto Maple Leaf fans would also understand. This year the Chicago Cubs don't stink. In fact, they're threatening to crawl into the post season. History has shown me that if I want to talk about the Cubs on a hot streak, I should do it fast. They just lost two in a row, hopefully I'm not too late. Those two losses aside I have a hunch if you're a Cubs fan, this might be a season that you don't want to miss. Here's a funny and somewhat related youtube link.



On to Van Halen. I've been a Van Halen fan since I was old enough to be a "fan" of one band over another. In 1985, David Lee Roth left Van Halen, which kind of sent shock waves through suburban America. Back then we didn't have all the media access that we have today, so information and rumors about this kinda bounced though the halls of high schools. He was replaced by Sammy Hagar, fracturing the Van Halen fan base and causing a lot of arguments. Most people agree that the earlier work was better ( I would say the first four albums are probably the best), but the Hagar era definitely has bright spots, and singers are replaceable. Its like this, "Those who can, play guitar. Those who can't, sing". Am I just be controversial to try to drum up traffic? Probably, but I do have a child named after Edward Van Halen. Anyway, news is expected any day now that Van Halen will be doing a fall tour with their original line up, except that bass player Michael Anthony has been replaced by Eddie Van Halen's sixteen year old son Wolfgang. But nobody will care that much and tickets will sell a little better than they did for the 2004 tour with Sammy Hagar. Why? Because bass players are replaceable too. You want job security, learn to play guitar. Personally I'm on the edge of my seat going "eh". If they'd done this ten years ago, it would have sold better, and I wouldn't need a baby sitter.



Finally the last thing on my mind: Everybody loves dogs. I realized this a couple of years ago as part of a story that I cannot relate here, but people will overlook you mistreating another human being, but be far more upset if you mistreat a dog. Everybody loves dogs. I knew this, and I'm sure Michael Vick knows it now. He would be more popular in the public eye if he ran a prostitution ring. Legally, I imagine he's better off in his current situation, but you have to keep in mind that not only am I not a lawyer, I have no idea whatsoever what I am talking about. But if you happen to be involved in a dogfighting operation and didn't realize that everybody loves dogs, or you think that you love dogs, know this: Everybody loves dogs. They love them wandering up, hanging their tongues out and hoping you scratch them behind the ear. They love them hanging out under a high chair waiting to see what the baby drops. They love that dogs are never concerned about how they look when they wake up, and dogs are never too concerned about how they smell (people don't want dogs to smell bad, but they admire that kind of freedom and lack of shame). If you get caught running an operation where you force dogs to kill each other, you will become only slightly more popular than a pedophile IRS agent. Don't mess with dogs.

I Never Said Goodbye

"I Never Said Goodbye" is an album released by Sammy Hagar after he joined Van Halen. I believe he was contractually obligated to Geffen Records, and owed them one more album. To know for certain would require "research", which journalists are big on, but I'm not a journalist, I'm a blogger... I guess. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be irresponsible, or making any indictments of the blogging community in general. In this case it just really doesn't matter if it was a contractual obligation to Geffen Records, I was just looking for a clever name.

I started this blog because I wanted to be a humor columnist, like Lewis Grizzard or Mike Royko. Well, I wanted to be alive, so I guess I wanted to be more like Dave Barry. "Blog" seemed like a bit of a buzzword, the flavor of the month. I Didn't Want a Blog, or so I thought. But it a friend of mine convinced me it was the most practical way to reach people so I got started.

Then I took some time off. I didn't plan to, which is why I never said goodbye (or "seeya later"). I just went and wrote some other things, and didn't do this while I was busy with those other things. To be specific, I wrote a screenplay. To be more specific, I wrote a filthy screenplay. I don't know why. I put in anything I thought was funny, and it came out pretty dirty. I'd love to say that it was "adult", but filthy or dirty might be more appropriate. It had a sex scene. I never dreamed I would write something like that, but it was funny. It wasn't pure pornography - it was somebody explaining something that happened in the past, and it turned out it was a lie. But it was a very graphic lie. I was shocked I wrote it. I thought it was funny though, so I left it in.

The screenplay will never see the light of day.

I had no idea how to sell or distribute a screenplay. I was pretty sure it was too filthy for even HBO to air, and I had a hunch that it wasn't very good. So I decided there was only one thing to do - convert it to a book. Of course, I had no idea how to write a book either. So I started going through page by page, creating background information for each character, adding all of the back story that was not necessary when it was to be a TV show. I converted about one-third of it, when for no apparent reason I lost interest. I re-read a bit of a couple of days ago, and I really think it is funny.

The book will never see the light of day.

My silly pipe dream about being a humor columnist was till kind of hanging out in the back of my mind. It is really unnecessary, because I have a really great job. But I guess we're always inclined to look toward the future, and as much as I love my job I might like to do something else when I am 50.

But I came to realize that while newspapers are a fairly reasonable form of media right now, trying to be a newspaper columnist right now is a little like trying to be a pinsetter in 1935 (because Gottfried Schmidt invented the mechanical pinsetter in 1936). Newspapers are history, like the phone book, rabbit ear antennas with foil on ends, and anything being colored avocado green. Well guacamole is still avocado green, as are avocados, but I don't understand why the hell anybody ever thought it was a good color for kitchen appliances.


So for better or worse, I'm back. I doubt anybody will notice the difference. But this time I'm not trying to write a newspaper column here, I want to be a blogger. And I want to be a good one.

While Driving Through Beautiful Eastern North Carolina

While driving on the highway in Eastern North Carolina on Sunday, I passed a car with the words Redneck Hottie written on the back window in large purple letters. I'll pause for a second and let that sink in...


OK. I should clarify a few things now:

1. Yes, as far as I'm aware this could be the first time that this combination of words has been written on the back window of an automobile in purple letters.
2. I'm hopeful that regardless of whether or not this was the first time that the phrase Redneck Hottie ever appeared in large purple letters on a car window, this will be the first blog ever written about about the phrase Redneck Hottie appearing in large purple letters on a car window.
3. This was not a pickup truck. In fact, it was a Toyota Camry, a pretty non-redneck vehicle.
4. As it was not a pickup truck, a gun rack was not involved.

Looking back on it, in all likelihood this person was an ECU fan driving home from the ECU/NC State football game. For the record, I attended ECU when their football team was ranked 9th in the nation. I do not remember the term Redneck Hottie ever being used, in team colors or otherwise.

In summation let me say this: Once you have driven vehicle with the phrase Redneck Hottie written on it in large letters, you've pretty much assured that at least half of this phrase is true.

Reflections On How the 1980s Ran Together

Not literally... well maybe that happened too, but it really doesn't matter to me right now. Believe me, if I can figure out how to exploit that for a couple of cheap laughs, I'll do it. Right now I'm talking about how things in 1980s movies ran together. Or rather, how movie makers ran them together.

What do the movies Footloose, Better Off Dead, Real Genius, and Scarface all have in common? Copious amounts of violence? No. The footage of Kevin Bacon as a dancing teenager being chained to a bathtub and silenced by a chainsaw was (regrettably) left on the cutting room floor. Also most of the cocaine trade in Miami was pulled from Real Genius.

Footnote: I don't think the Real Genius clip is real. The Better Off Dead clip isn't actually the montage, but its a claymation hamburger playing Van Halen on a guitar that is almost correct - it doesn't get any better than this.
Footnote 2: I miss claymation. Someday I'll write about The California Raisins, The Noid, and something else. The way I remember it, all of 1986 was claymated, but those are all I can remember right now.
Footnote 3: Adam West beating The Noid to death was one of the greatest moments in television history.

What these movies all have in common is the 1980s style montage. This is where about two-thirds of the way through a ninety minute movie, music would play while we watched a collage of the good guy characters doing whatever they needed to do to achieve their goal, which always involved winning the girl, who was always Molly Ringwald. Lately, these have been spoofed in current television shows. For example, here is Family Guy's "1980s Style Fixin' Stuff Up Montage". I'm not sure it is necessary to include here, but it took me hours to find it, so it goes in.
Footnote 1: In the case of Scarface replace "good guy characters doing whatever they needed to do to achieve their goal, which always involved winning the girl" with "bad guys who were the main characters achieving their goal, which was selling large quantities of drugs". It ended poorly for them. Well the montage ended fine, but the movie itself ended badly.

These were everywhere in the 1980s. Inexplicably, they went away in somewhere early in the 1990s. I suppose it is because most art took a "deeper" turn in the 1990s. Out were movies like Footloose and Better Off Dead, in were deeper, more serious films like BASEketball and Booty Call. The same thing happened in music.

I'm no student of film, but it seems the montage served two basic purposes:

1. To show time passing while somebody is learning how to dance, in order to woo Molly Ringwald
2. To actually pass some time when a ninety-one minute script falls two minutes short because the whole film can be explained in a paragraph.

This begs the following question: Why did Scarface have one of these scenes? The movie nearly happens in real-time. The extended DVD version is nine and a half days long. I should know, I own it. But it is a little difficult to watch when you have to little kids and rarely have nine and a half days free after they go to bed.

I can't end this without mentioning Barney being chained to a bathtub in a Scarface-esque drug-deal-gone-wrong scene. Ever since I wrote the last paragraph I can't let it go. Is it dark? Sure. But its "funny dark".

Think this was funny? Email me here. Didn't think it was funny? Use the same link.

What Is Bothering Me on Election Night

What is bothering me this election night is a problem that is not specific to people here in the Southeast United States, or even the United States in general. I imagine this is an issue that affects people worldwide. Well it might just be an American issue, I'm really not certain. Unfortunately, it does not appear on a ballot here in the red states. Or the blue states, I can't remember which one we are. One thing is for sure: if you put me in charge I'll make the states red and green and color blind men everywhere will just see a map. But red, blue, yellow, or pink - this issue does not appear on a ballot anywhere in the country.

The issue is this: "Why are men the only ones who can operate a toilet seat?" If you saw the bathrooms in my college dormitory it would be obvious that a lot of men are actually incapable of operating one, or of managing to "aim through" one that is down.

As men, there a few things that are just expected of us. Things that go beyond equal rights. We generally deal with the bugs. We have to squish the yucky ones, we have to shuttle the more benign ones outside (I imagine that roaches really hate crickets and find the fact that they generally get a free ride outside arbitrary and unfair. Crickets make a lot of racket and roaches are quiet (except the hissing ones), and roaches don't realize that they are completely gross and that their ability to multiply strikes fear into the hearts of homeowners everywhere. Roaches merely think that they are "family oriented"). Basically anything pest oriented falls on us. Women aren't big on emptying a mousetrap. But when a man just throws one away rather than pry out a dead mouse, they will point out that it could have been reused.

A lot of things fall on us. The thing is we don't mind dealing with the pests, yard work, oil changes, tire rotation, barbecuing, light bulb changing, etc. There are a few reasons for this, not the least of which is that men like to see women naked, and will therefore do what they say most of the time. Here are some other less logical reasons:

• Pests - You can't claim to be grossed out by bugs when you spend as much time scratching as we do.
• Yard work - Men like things that allow us to use moderately dangerous machines and see what happens when we run things over with the mower.
• Oil changes - We like cars.
• Tire rotation - See "Oil changes"
• Barbecuing - We like fire, and to cook on fire makes us feel like we are in touch with our caveman roots.
• Light bulb changing - While we agree that men and women are equal - we are simply taller.

But for some reason I do not understand we are expected to raise the toilet seat when need be, and lower it when we are done. I feel that women are perfectly able to operate a toilet seat, and as it does not involve bugs, internal combustion engines, fire, or reaching over ones' head, I see no reason we should be the only ones who can handle this.

So I say politely, "Ladies, if it is up, put it down".

Think this was funny? Email me here. Didn't think it was funny? Use the same link.

It's Over...

...for this year. In what I'll just call "something of any upset", the St. Louis Cardinals defeated the Detroit Tigers 4 games to 1 to win the World Series. When asked for a comment Detroit Tiger's manager Jim Leyland said "I suppose it is odd that I smoke and manage a professional sports team, but I don't like chewing tobacco".

What a lot of people in the sports community seem to be latching onto is the fact that the Cardinals were 83-78 in the regular season. Just two games over .500. Fans in Philadelphia were so angered by this they coughed cheesesteak out of their nose. Why? Because the only other Philadelphia joke I can come up with involves the Rocky statue, but I can't make it work. Also because the Philadelphia Phillies had a better regular season record than the St. Louis Cardinals, but did not make the playoffs.

(Note to the Philadelphia Phillies:"The Philadelphia Phillies" is the best you could come up with? Why not just the "Philadelphia Philadelphians"? Nothing else noteworthy happens in Philadelphia? Milwaukee has The Brewers, a reference to the fact that they make quite a bit of beer in Milwaukee (this will end when some genius decides its a bad influence on our children), L.A. has The Dodgers, an obvious reference to avoiding gunfire, and Chicago has the Cubs - which I frankly don't understand, but at least its not the "Chicago ChiGuys". They almost have a theme going with The Bears, but then they also have The Bulls which doesn't make any sense... but at least they could pick an animal. Also [owner of Philadelphia Phillies name goes here], if you picked another team name, you could have a real mascot instead of whatever the hell the Philly Phanatic is. Maybe you could work in that bell with the crack in it)

So the good phans in the great sport city of Philadelphia are probably upset. And I really share the pain of the Detroit Tiger fans. We all thought they had it in the bag, but I like to say "that's why they play the games" (If they didn't "play the games" the Stanley Cup wouldn't have spent so much time in the Southeast lately, they'd leave it in Canada, or maybe occasionally New York. But it turns out you can have a winning hockey team anywhere you can manufacture ice and import Canadians - you can't raise a winning hockey team in the Southeast, but you can have a winning hockey team in the Southeast).

In the end a life long Cubs fan is left with this: "83-78, we could get there from here".

Think this was funny? Email me here. Didn't think it was funny? Use the same link.

I'm Nuts about these Nuts

The good folks at Diamond Foods have been making smoked almonds for as long as I can remember. That was pretty much the end of it; they came in regular and smoked. This brings to mind the following questions:

• Why smoked, why not boiled, dry roasted, honey roasted, or one of the other more traditional nut cooking methods?


• Do they smoke these in some sort of giant tee-pee, at the same time they do some fish and a couple of pigs, or just use smoke flavoring?


• Bill just used a semi colon... did he do it properly?

I can answer the last question - there are only eleven people on earth that know how to use a semi colon properly. Even fewer understand the balk rule. The intersection of these sets is rather odd, there is exactly one person on earth who understands exactly when to use a semi-colon and the balk rule. Oddly enough it is Russian dancer Mikhail Baryshnikov (Russian: Михаил Николаевич Барышников). I know what you're thinking... "Bill my 8th grade English teacher knew how to use a semi-colon." I'm sure she did, but I was talking about people. Also you're probably wondering why I included the Cyrillic version of Baryshnikov's name... I just think it looks cool.

Anyway, we were talking about nuts, and I think that Diamond Foods has come up with the greatest advance in nuts since the invention of dry roasting. Dry roasting is a process that I know nothing about, but I assume that Mr. Peanut was somehow involved. I suppose it could be reseached easily enought. Get back to me on that ok?

What Diamond came up with is the "Wasabi and Soy Sauce Almond". Why, I don't know. I hate to think 0f the ideas that must have failed - poodles may have been involved. But these have a sudden burst of horseradish that just sorta goes away, followed by almond flavor (which I think may actually be natural). I highly recommend them.

I don't get money from Blue Diamond... or anybody else. Think this was funny? Email me here. Didn't think it was funny? Use the same link.

State Fair, Inc

Here at State Fair, Inc. we are dedicated to bringing fair goers the newest and most innovative fried foods in the world. We were the inspiration for both the cornballer and that "deep fry just like at the carnival in your home" kit on Bob and Tom. A few years ago we amazed the world when we offered the deep fried candy bar. People say that there is no pioneer spirit left in this country, but they must be wrong - because not since Orville and Wilbur Wright have people in North Carolina subjected themselves to such personal risk for the good of society. But thankfully fried food innovation did not stop on that fateful day of December 16, 1903 when Orville and Wilbur became the very first people to deep fry a candy cane. Pioneer spirit lives on(Unfortunately the deep fried candy cane is sometimes over looked because they did something the following day too.)

This year we are proud to offer fair goers Deep-fried Coca-Cola. Some people said it couldn't be done. Cardiologists and dentists world wide said it shouldn't be done. But we did it. You can't defeat the pioneer spirit. The real breakthrough came in the realization that it was impossible to actually deep fry Coca-Cola, you have to deep fry batter and flavor that with with Coca-Cola. Fred "Lefty","Nine-Finger","No-nose" Jenkins gave his life for this valuable information. Now he's talking shop with Rudolph Diesel. You can't kill pioneer spirit.

This year we are also proud to offer fried Oreos, fried Twinkies, fried Moon Pies, and fried cheeseburgers. The lucky residents of South Carolina will also be treated to deep fried Ho-Hos, as the legislation regarding the regulation of deep fried Ho-Hos is still pending in South Carolina.

http://www.wral.com/statefair/10052413/detail.html

If You're a Yankees Fan, Just Don't Read This...

...unless you're going to send the link to all your friends and increase my hits. My ego could use the boost. You were warned.

I try to be positive in life. I'd rather pull for a winner than hope somebody loses. This is how I would like to live my life. But in reality, if the New York Yankees lose, I'm generally pretty happy. And they did just that - again. At least they did it on a budget. That A-Rod guy seems like a bargain at $25 million for ten years.... what's that? Oh, its $25 million per year for ten years. Well, Howard Stern still makes more money, maybe A-Rod will work out. I do think it would be funny if until he comes through in the post season they make him answer to his middle name, Emmanuel.

Yankee fans think that people hate the Yankees because they win so much. Actually not true - we hate Yankee fans... you know who you are... and we do it for the following reasons:

• If you're going to say "we" when you refer to the Yankees, please be ready to tell me when you played for them. If you did, odds are you have the best pickup line in any bar (unless there happens to be an astronaut hanging out (kinda funny to picture them leaning against the bar talking to a girl while wearing the space suit)), but otherwise don't say "we" - because "you" didn't do anything. You didn't even spend Steinbrenner's money (which is another topic altogether).


• The Yankees have won 26 championships. Twenty of them were before I was born, and I don't care about them. You might as well stomp about talking about how many presidencies your political party won since 1789 (or whenever they invented political parties in this country).


• Don't go on about the Red Sox, or the Cubs, or whoever not making the post season. Steinbrenner spent nearly $200 million and won one playoff game. They lost to a team that hasn't seen a league championship series since 1984 managed by a career minor league chain smoker.


• Go ahead and blame Joe Torre - There's a home for you in Chicago, Joe.


• If you live in the Southeast and haven't been to a game in 5 years or more, don't go about acting as though you're super fan. Even with the disparity in coverage, you only have to watch about 12 games a year. But even in the age Fox Sports XXX the Cubs are still on WGN a couple of games a week.

As for me... I'll stay a Cubs fan. Just wait 'til next year - hopefully they aren't "The best team in baseball... on paper" next year. It didn't work out well this year.

Its Over Johnnie

I'm back (picture that Eminem song about "guess whose back" playing in the background while you contemplate the fact that I don't know the name of the song and must not actually like Eminem very much). I've explained before that Bill Daniels is my alter-ego. It turns out my actual ego had a rough couple of weeks and nothing seemed funny. What I'm trying to do here is more of a humor column than a traditional blog, so I tend not to force things when nothing seems funny. If anybody wants to pay me to write for their website/newspaper/[put something ridiculous and funny here] I will be happy to force it. I seem able to in my professional life.

Now on to the title - it will help if I explain a couple of things:

• Dusty Baker's real name is Johnnie
• I like the Opie and Anthony show, and they play the "its over Johnnie" sound clip sometimes
• The sound clip is from the end of First Blood
• In David Morrell's book First Blood Rambo dies, sparing us sequels.
• I think Morrell might have spelled "Johnnie" "Johnny", but I don't care enough to look it up
• I could look it up, I have the paperback I borrowed from my friend Sean just under 20 years ago (Sean - let me know if you want it back)
• I'm too lazy to come up with a name that rhymes with Sean, although sometimes I think it is funny to protect people's identity when it is clearly not necessary
• Even though Rambo died in the first book, David Morrell wrote the first sequel - losing any brownie points he may have gained by killing Rambo in the first book.
• The Chicago Cubs fired Dusty Baker today

I had the thought last week that the only comment I had on baseball season was that I was looking forward to the end - like somebody with a terminal disease. Then I realized that Bill Daniels' sense of humor isn't as dark as mine and decided against it. Boy am I glad I didn't write about that.

But the regular season is over, and the Chicago Cubs, called the "best team in the league - on paper" before the season started, finished a respectable 66-96, getting edged out by Tampa Bay and Kansas city overall, but still clinching the worst record in the National League by one game.

Hockey season starts Wednesday.

Hey, you could probably buy my vote

Ok, maybe not buy it, but you could get me to vote for you. Just run on an issue that's important to me.

But Bill, you say, I thought you were and imaginary alter-ego and therefore avoided all issues of politics and religion? Well that's true, unless I think it might be funny. And there is no shortage of funny issues regarding politics and religion. Maybe someday I'll create another alter-ego that doesn't pull any punches, talks about politics and nut-jobs and gets upset and swears... but not right now.

So you want me to vote for you? Here's what you do:

1. Promise that during your time in office that most popular media outlets will not play anything from the Lynyrd Skynyrd catalog. Or any version of the song Hotel California. Or anything by Led Zeppelin. Or any Pink Floyd song recorded after 1973. Nobody ever plays the ones recorded before then anyway.
2. Once again, I thought I needed a list, but actually that's it. Run on the "No more Lynyrd Skynyrd, any version of Hotel California, anything by Led Zeppeln, or any Pink Floyd song recorded after 1973"* platform, and you have Bill Daniels' vote.

* This included playing "Sweet Home Alabama" between plays at professional hockey games, which makes just slightly more sense than whatever the hell the chicken dance** is.

** According to Wikipedia, "It has become a staple dance at weddings and at Oktoberfests." This bascially means that something called the chicken dance is popular at affairs that serve a LOT of beer. I ask, does this even need to be written, or is sort of self-explanatory?

Why Lynyrd Skynyrd? Are they the worst rock band ever? No - I'm sure they're not. In fact, I'm pretty sure that Styx is... I'll write about that another time. Actually I love all of the bands concerned here (except Styx). But frankly if I have to hear the Ballad of Curtis Lowe again, I could go into a homicidal rage. Or I might just learn to avoid classic rock stations. But that latter hasn't happened so far, so I'm a little concerned. Hotel California, Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd are just along for the ride.

I was really hoping to get another couple of paragraphs out of this, but it looks like it ends right about here.

Interesting Quote Wednesday 9/13/2006

"It Was a Short Summer, Charlie Brown"

--Linus van Pelt