My Prescription for the Nation

Things aren't going real well here in the U.S. right now. Banks have failed, the stock market has become some kind of bizarre yo-yo, the "Big 3" here in the America are in big trouble. I'm struggling to find the humor in this situation but so far I'm not finding much.

Everywhere you go, you hear people talking about how bad things are. Honestly, if you still have a job things aren't much different than they were a year ago. We are dealing with some inflation, I mostly see it at the grocery store. But on the other hand, gas is under $2 again for the first time over 5 years (I guess it dipped under once or twice, but this is the first time in 5 years I've paid less than $2 for gas). I'm sure its a lousy time to be in any commission business, or own a small business, but by-and-large most of us who have jobs are in about the same boat we were before.

Nonetheless everywhere you go, people are walking around staring at their shoes. Just staring down and muttering "its over man" and bits about inflation, deflation, hyper-inflation, regular-flation, supersized-flation, the combo-meal-flation, and other terms invented on CNBC. Frankly, I think we might be giving the people who tell us about this on television a little too much credit.

The first week of June this year, oil was around $140/barrel. I was in a hotel room watching CNBC tracking it like a sports score. I'm still not sure why. And they were telling us by the end of the year that we would see $200/barrel oil, and in the next few years gas prices around $8-$12/gallon. It never hit $200/barrel. I believe it topped out at $144, but I'm not exactly sure. It was right around $144 though.

Right now oil is $51.25/barrel. It has been as low as $48 and change per barrel. Some sources are saying it could go as low as $40/barrel or even $35/barrel by the end of the year. This is great right? Cheap gas for everybody? No, not according to CNBC. This is deflation, which apparently is the worst flation of them all. I listened to this the other day a little stunned and confused. Maybe they're right. Maybe this is deflation and its terrible. But they weren't right about the $200/barrel oil by the end of this year. If the only thing that's good is cheap gas, I'm going to do my best to enjoy it.

Switching gears... in 1976 there was a film called Rocky. It was written by, and starred Sylvester Stalone. It was made for the paltry sum of 1.1 million dollars. It grossed 117 million. It was nominated for 9 Oscars and won 3, including best picture. It launched a series of six films, all of which are pretty much worth seeing, provided that you are a man. It might help to be American too, I'm not sure. I will mention that Rocky IV did not age well after the collapse of the Soviet Union. Did I mention it was written by Sylvester Stallone? I'm not sure this would be a selling point for a movie these days.

I was disappointed there was not a Rocky marathon on television this past 4th of July because it is such a great American story. In case you've been living in a cave insulting our new president for the last 30 years, the story is basically about a man who is too stubborn and stupid to stay down when he is obviously beaten. Nothing is more American than that. The plot of Rocky II is the story of a man who is too stubborn and stupid to stay down when he is obviously beaten. The plot of Rocky III is the story of a man who is too stubborn and stupid to stay down when he is obviously beaten. Rocky IV and Rocky V bare a striking resemblance to the previous plots. Rocky Balboa differs a bit, in that the name does not contain number, so I have to break up the numbering scheme I had used so far to tell you that it is the story of a man who is too stubborn and stupid to stay down when he is obviously beaten.

My prescription for the nation is to watch a Rocky movie. I'd start with the first one and watch as many as you have to until you can stop staring at your shoes. We invented the airplane. We put men on the moon. We invented the solid body electric guitar and multi-track recording. We will weather this storm too.

Predictions for the Next Administration

Normally I try to stay apolitical here. If you look, the last piece I wrote that acknowledged an election covered the fact that women refuse to operate a toilet seat. But I have some predictions I need to get written down publicly somewhere so if I'm right I can say "see I told you so" (picture me pointing to the date on this post on my computer monitor). So, I will have to reveal my political views, as they are right this moment anyway.

In the rare cases I actually get comments, they usually come in the middle of the night on a post that I wrote over a year ago... so if you are reading these and I'm wrong about my predictions, take a gander up towards the top and see if I posted a "I was wrong" post before you bother posting a "see I told you so" comment that will cause me to picture you pointing at your monitor... because I will picture you fat with a bad haircut... like me.

Now the predictions:

If Barack Obama wins the U.S. presidential election November 4, 2008 I predict:

• Despite claims that "Middle class families will see their taxes cut – and no family making less than $250,000 will see their taxes increase", I predict there will be tax increases on families making far less. I am going to say if you make $45,000 per year, or a family making $75,000 per year, your taxes will be raised by March 1, 2010. If I'm within $25,000, give me a break on the comments, OK? I was correct in my assertion that they raised taxes.
• Barack Obama's website claims "Military experts believe we can safely redeploy combat brigades from Iraq at a pace of 1 to 2 brigades a month that would remove them in 16 months. That would be the summer of 2010 – more than 7 years after the war began." If I am reading that correctly, that says we will be out of Iraq in summer 2010, although it also claims "...a residual force will remain in Iraq and in the region to conduct targeted counter-terrorism missions against al Qaeda in Iraq and to protect American diplomatic and civilian personnel." Since the last statement does not define a number, I am a bit suspicious of it. My prediction: at the beginning of 2011, our troop commitment in Iraq will be 50-75% of what it is now, and will never drop below 25% of what it is now. We have troops on the ground in a part of the world where we are likely to deploy again. I don't see that changing, regardless of who is elected. (See how I talked in percentages? I don't know the numbers, and I don't intend to look them up because I'm a guy on a notebook computer rambling out an unfunny stand up routine, not a journalist.)
• Almost immediately, our conflict in Iraq will be referred to as an "occupation", or some term far more flowery than "war". The media will gladly oblige, although here or there it will be pointed out that the terminology changed. Maybe on Fox... by the way, the whole media is liberal leaning, quit whining about one station (Jim Norton pointed this out on Opie and Anthony). Furthermore, if you're going to gripe about Fox News, gripe about the fact that it is a horrible news station, not that it leans a little bit right (and yes, its a little bit, everything else is just leaning a little left, that's why it seems that way). Truth is, "occupation" is a more accurate term at this point. This doesn't mean that people aren't getting hurt and killed, and it doesn't mean that isn't tragic. It just means that "war" is a bit heavy handed to describe what is going on right now.

That's it. That's all I am predicting right now, let's see if I'm right.

I believe in the church of baseball

...and other quotes from the movie Bull Durham. I posted about the Cubs at my other blog. Please read.

Summer is Over

Summer is over. Perhaps not according to the calendar, or science, but school started, and I'm still trained that this means summer is over.

It was a rough summer. Looking back I realize my summer wasn't all that bad. I had an emergency room trip with Child 1.0 (who has his first good scar; he's 5, its about time), and I also had to find Child 1.0 a new daycare. Nonetheless I feel like some good people have been tested awfully hard. I believe everything happens for a reason, but there are a number of happenings I do not see any reason for so far.

I have faith that fall and winter will be better. ECU beat Virginia Tech last weekend. That might be the start.

Nothing Funny

I do this to try to be funny. Very little was funny in July. I'm hoping August will be funnier.

How Worthless Observations Work

When you spend time writing an Internet humor column that is read by almost nobody, it stands to reason that a small fraction of almost nobody have asked themselves, "How does he constantly make those observations?... those worthless observations". Well it goes like this:

• See ordinary situation
• Notice something ridiculous
• Try to use lots of side jokes and links to wikipedia to make it look like you did something


• Try to find an uncopyrighted picture to use at the top - If one is unavailable, use picture of Cubs hat.
• Swear profusely at the editor provided by blogspot, it is quirky about lists, which I rely on. I'm not sure why lists are funny, but they are.

I like NASCAR racing. There are two kinds of people in the world, those who think that NASCAR is boring, and those who enjoy it. By neatly dividing the world into these two categories I have sort of glossed over people with motor coaches who follow from track to track like people used to follow The Grateful Dead, people who get tattoos of their favorite driver's number even though he is likely only a contract dispute away from it changing. Well, certainly these folks are in the "enjoy" category. The people who think that it is boring don't do anything fantastic in protest to make worthless observations about.

Even as a fan of the sport, there's good races and bad - and bad generally means boring. It varies from track to track. There is a common misconception that race fans just like to see wrecks. By and large this is not true, although a good wreck is a little like a hockey fight. You could enjoy the sport without it, but it makes things a lot more interesting. What makes for a boring race is a track designed by a traffic engineer that is made with plenty of room to pass. What you want for a race track is enough room to pass. If there is never an issue with two cars battling for the same piece of space, this will not make for an exciting race.

Tonight I found myself wanting to write, but I had a rough week and not too much seemed funny, or ridiculous enough to make a worthless observation about. Then I turned on tonight's Sponsorship 500 on television. I'm not saying that this was a boring race, but at one point I looked up and former crew chief Larry McReynolds was performing a version of the classic "Saw a Woman in Half Trick". Ah, that's good ridiculous.... throw in a few wikipedia links and a picture, and I have something fit for almost nobody to read.

I was able to find a diagram of sawing a woman in half... but the Cubs won today. I'm just trying to be funny. If you read this please click here to and drop me an honest comment so I at least know somebody was paying attention.

Stunning Revelations in Pizza Acquisition

Earlier this afternoon I was watching last night's Nextel Cup Race (I haven't finished it yet, so when none of my ones of readers don't post comments, don't tell me who won). They have a new layout where they don't seem to go to commercial during green flag racing, they just show the commercial in a smaller screen. This eliminates the most famous phrase in auto racing, "While we were away". Also, it answers the question if accidents occur if there are no commercials.

One of the "commercials" that appeared at the bottom of the screen was for Papa John's Pizza, who to be honest I don't order from very 0ften, but I do find them to be the best of the chain pizza places. For years, you have been able to order a pizza from Papa John's online. Call me old-school, I like to talk to somebody when I'm ordering a pizza. After watching fireworks with my family Friday night, it was proven to me once again that most McDrivethru's cannnot tell the difference between "only onion" and "no onion", so I figure the odds of getting the pizza I wanted, delivered to the proper address, in a timely fashion, are somewhere in the neighborhood of George W. Bush's current approval rating (note, this is my topical/political humor for the evening). I should probably give them a chance, but frankly there is another pizza place closer that has a pretty good deal if I pick it up myself.

However, the "commercial" pointed out that there is a new URL: mobile.papajohns.com. This is that you use to order a pizza, from the website, with your mobile phone.

So unless I have missed something, this means that finally, in 2008, you can order a pizza from a mobile phone. Well I for one say "its about damn time" (that was my adult humor, to prove I'm not totally 'G' Rated). I'm all for ordering pizzas with a phone. I'm not so certain about these half-screen commercials, but I think its probably good.

The Cubs hat? Well, they took two of three from the Cardinals in St. Louis. Things are looking... not too bad.

I'm just trying to be funny. If you read this please click here to and drop me an honest comment so I at least know somebody was paying attention. Also, if you can think of a reason you would order a pizza using a mobile device and not just call to order the pizza, please let me know that too.

...and there is Love

Last Saturday, my friend Tom got married to a nice woman named Tara. I have only met her once, and briefly at that, but as far as I can tell she has sort of a calming influence on him - and this is a good thing. I was unable to attend the wedding. The phrase "unable to attend" should read "my wife and I decided that if we beg our folks to watch our kids for the weekend, we should probably go away somewhere and try to remember what we had in common before we had children". This doesn't mean that we didn't wish we were there. But one of the odd things about weddings is that it can be very difficult to actually see the people you are there to see. And in this case, I think Tom may have actually been relieved to have two less visitors from out of town.

That same night, the Carolina Hurricanes season ended when the Washington Capitals beat the Florida Panthers 3-1, mathematically eliminating the 'Canes. They became the first team ever to win a Stanley Cup and then miss the playoffs two seasons in a row. This wasn't a total shock after the year they had, but there was a lot of hope the last couple of weeks it looked like they would win the division. Between this and missing Tom and Tara's wedding (even if it was our choice), it was not a very good day.

I wasn't sure what to write about Tom getting married. I haven't written a lot lately but figured I needed to address it. So over the last week I've been thinking about Saturday and I came to the following conclusion: I will trade the Hurricanes having a Cup run this year for the two of you to have a long and happy marriage. And I'll do it gladly. I'd probably trade next year too - although I'd like them to make the playoffs first, okay?

The Chicago Cubs are 6-4, not the greatest starting record, but Kerry Wood is looking pretty convincing as a closer, Fukudome seems to be paying off, and I'm hopeful. Please realize that marriage is a lot of work. Tom and Tara, you can have the Hurricanes, please don't make me sacrifice the Cubs (I'm not saying I wouldn't do it).

Attached is the ultimate sappy love song. It seems appropriate. Congratulations and good luck.

Its Baseball Season...

Baseball. America's Pastime. A sport which moves at such a blistering pace that curling was actually invented to make baseball seem fast paced by comparison. I love baseball, but it can be a little hard to get excited about it when hockey season is not over yet and my beloved Carolina Hurricanes, a team who has won a championship in my lifetime. Let's just leave it at "my lifetime" and not explore the whole 100 years scenario.

The Cubs won their first game today, flying out of the gates with a 1-2 start. This is not that bothersome for the following reasons:

• The baseball season is 162 games
• We know for certain they will not match 1997's 0-14 start.

Last October, sometime after the Cubs 0-3 playoff performance, I registered http://chicagocubsbrokemyheartagain.blogspot.com/. I intended to write something recapping the Cubs 2007 season, but I never did. I didn't feel funny. But as a Cubs fan I was smart enough not to include the year in the title. Hopefully I won't need it this year, but it is there for us.

Just Haven't Felt Like It

My purpose here is to try to be the modern version of a newspaper humor columnist. This means I hope that I am funny.

I think I did some good work here, but I can't seem to push myself forward, because nothing seems that funny right now. I'm stuck in some kind of mid-30s funk. Not exactly depressed, more like numb - and cynical.

So let's look back at some of the things that happened in 2007, in no particular order. Maybe something will be funny and I'll feel like writing tomorrow:

• The Chicago Cubs made the playoffs. They lost three straight games. It was painful
• Van Halen toured with David Lee Roth for the first time since the Reagan administration. Just to keep things interesting Edward Van Halen's 16 year old son Wolfgang on bass rather than veteran bass player Michael Anthony. The shows were pretty good, and nothing really unusual happened... in 2007
• The Police went on tour for the first time since the Reagan administration. Rather than replace Sting with some body's child they decided to keep the original band intact. I didn't go, I imagine the shows were spectacular. I read Andy Sumner's memoir, "One Train Later". He's very English and wordy
• The war in Iraq sucks. Most people say we should bring our boys home, and will continue to until we do and then will say we should have saw things through
• There is nothing funny here: A little jerk who doesn't deserve to have his name mentioned killed 32 people at Virginia Tech before he committed suicide. It is my sincere wish that the news stop showing these people and calling them by name. They don't deserve it. Also I wish people who are suicidal and don't want help would cut to the chase and not take out people who are just trying to live there life on the way.
• The Carolina Hurricanes, 2006 Stanley Cup Champions, failed to make the playoffs
• Don Imus got fired. He shouldn't have
• Dog the Bounty Hunter got fired. I'm not sure if he should have or not, but his son really sold him out
• I came to the following conclusion: I wish nobody would say the 'N' word. The current rules seem to be that black people can say it and white people can't. I was born after the civil rights movement, and of course over a hundred years after slavery. Horrible things happened. If the rule is that black people can say it and white people can't, I'm OK with that.
• Jane Wyman, one time wife of future president Ronald Reagan, died. Not to make light of her passing, but I had no idea she was alive.
• Evel Knievel died. Its pretty amazing the man was alive. My oldest son is about the age I was when he was huge - it makes me feel old.
• Kevin DuBrow, singer for the 1980s rock band Quiet Riot died of a cocaine overdose.
• Musician and noted family man Ike Turner died of a cocaine overdose.
• Cocaine is bad. This was known in 1987 when Kevin and Ike's combined ages was less than 100. Still true now.
• North Carolina is in a such a drought, people hope that a tropical storm hits. It misses.

OK, that's it. Maybe in the next few days, something will be funny.