Reflections on the 2010 Winter Olympics

 

It seems like it was just a year and a half ago that we were watching a beautiful Chinese girl lip sync to the ugly girl back stage, and already  the 2010 Winter Olympics is over.  Well they’ve been over for like a week now.  But I like to stay well behind the trends in life, and I figure that writing should be no different.

The U.S.A. Men’s Ice Hockey team won a silver medal.  Because they handed out the medals right after they lost the final game, I’m not sure they would have been much less enthusiastic had nooses been placed around their necks.  It was an exciting game with the U.S. scoring a tying goal to force it in to overtime with less than a minute to play, causing Canadians all over to say “@#$%!!!! Eh?”.

The U.S.A. won the gold medal in the four-man bobsled.  I kinda like the bobsled, its a little like a race car.  I harbor a secret dream that I am a natural born bobsledder.  The best ever.  But having spent a large part of my life in the South, I’ve never lived anywhere with a public bobsled track… even in the Northern states I think these are a little hard to come by.  As long as I don’t have a chance to bobsled, the dream lives, unless  somebody with a brain doesn’t come along and say “that doesn’t make any sense at all”.  Don’t spoil my dream.

Apolo Ohno won 873 bronze and silver medals in short track speed skating, a sport I don’t remember seeing until the last decade or so, but I enjoy watching.

For the next four years, Curling goes back to being the sport we ridicule as being the dumbest sport ever.  Honestly, I have no idea why it gets a reprieve during the Olympics.

The TV coverage the last day of the Olympics seemed to consist largely of cross-country skiing.  I hadn’t noticed any cross-country skiing on television before then, and when I turned it on I understood why.  Cross country skiing is probably one of the worst things ever covered on television.  It has all the appeal of race walking, except with skis.  I’m honestly not certain if that makes it better or worse.  It should be aired opposite poker, thus making poker seem like an actual sport.

The Russian team did not perform nearly was well as they had hoped, winning only 10 gold medals.  This does not, of course, count the Borscht Relay, which is still only an exhibition event.  A figure skater named Evgeni Plushenko won a silver medal, but told everybody at home that it was platinum.  I’m curious if anybody is buying it.

Speaking of figure skaters, just when you thought that stereotypes about male figure skaters had reached their peak, a man named Johnny Weir dared to raise the bar.

Its an amazing thing.  Nations from across the world, nearly every nation in the world, came together and put aside their differences for a couple of weeks, and competed in games that actually make even less sense than the games they compete in during the Summer Olympics.  And during this time, we put aside all our petty qualms about economic theories, invading other nations, and blatant human rights violations and just played games.  And I just can’t help but be filled with the thought, “Damn, I wanted our boys to win that hockey game”.

Reflections on Professional Wrestling and Downhill Skiing

I was in a Mexican restaurant this evening, I sat at the bar and had dinner alone.  Chicken soup… why is it that Mexican restaurants have such good soup and there doesn’t seem to be anything in it?  Other restaurants have horribly overpriced soup that is obviously from a can, but Mexican places have soup that seems to consist of nothing but chicken broth, potatoes carrots, chicken and avocados and it is wonderful.  Note to self: learn to make soup.

There were two televisions on, one tuned to some sort of men’s Olympic skiing event, the other to professional wrestling. So depending on your point of view, there is between zero and two sports on.  There was no sound on, but that didn’t matter much, because the wrestling was on a Spanish speaking channel.  I’m not sure about the skiing, but what difference could it really make?  What could they say?  “He’s trying to go faster”, “uh, yeah, he fell, that’s gonna hurt his time”, or “He caught an edge there, but he seems to be okay. He's in good shape, exce... uh, I think he's, he's a li.... (Gun shot. Skier falls.) Uh oh! He seems to have been accidentally shot by [name removed so as not to be sued if anybody ever reads this]! Yes, and I'm afraid [another name I’m removing] is out of this race.” (this is a reference to a 30+ year old SNL sketch that would be much funnier if I could find the sketch online, but I can’t).

On the other television, is wrestling.  WWE Raw, I guess.  In this case, the sound (in English) might actually have helped.  Because I would like an explanation of why any adult would watch this.  Women aren’t watching this.  I’m sure if flipping past they would notice the ridiculous build on the steroid addled truck-sized freaks in the ring, but they’re not going to stay there all day just because there are nice looking people of the opposite sex.  Why?  Because they’re women.

So, we’ve established that the audience is men.  Adolescents, right?  Pre-teens.  Because one you notice girls, you’re done with this, right?  Actually, no.  Looking in the audience there are grown men, some of whom we would assume have spent the night in the company of a woman at some point, who actually paid for a ticket, battled traffic, paid $10 for parking and maybe even bought a $9 beer, sitting there watching two muscle-bound men pretend to hurt each other.  I enjoy MMA.  If they actually hurt each other, I get it.  But this is just ridiculous to watch.  I don’t get it.  If you are watching professional wrestling, ask yourself the following question “Have I spent the night with a woman?”  If the answer is yes, change the channel.

All of this naturally begs the question... how boring is downhill skiing?  It was only a minute, but I watched professional wrestling long enough to contemplate this.

Can I blog from my iPod touch?

Yes. And it cases "iPod" for me too. I dont see using this much, buy nice to know it's there.

A Transparent Drawing (I suppose it could be white)

There was a viral trend on Facebook last week.  Specifically, women were posting the color or the bra they were wearing.  Nobody seems to know where it started.  Most people seem to think that this was done to increase breast cancer awareness.  I’m not sure if it did that.  I would say it was a step forward in bra awareness, and bra awareness goes hand in hand with breast awareness.  Generally I try to avoid putting words into other people’s mouths, but this time I’m going to go out on a limb and speak for men everywhere and say “Ladies, we are aware”.  We are aware of bras, the fact that they come in a wide array of colors, and, above all, we are aware of their contents.  I am not sure this did anything to increase cancer awareness.  But it did get men thinking about breasts, although to be fair, some portion of the men who read this were thinking of breasts already.

Breast cancer is a horrible disease.  I am not only aware of it, but as a married man I worry about it from time to time.  Its not the kind of thing you like to think about.  There are numerous campaigns to increase breast cancer awareness.  One seems to be to color things pink.  Normal things, things we need (or at least use) on a day to day basis.  The following are actual items that have been colored pink, and then made available to the world for sale.  Some are merely colored pink to increase awareness, others donate a portion of their proceeds to a research foundation:

• The Snuggie, the blanket with sleeves, which I will eventually write about.  Not the pink one specifically, just the success of a blanket with sleeves is enough to address.  I want to wait another couple of years to be sure I am on the cutting edge of pop culture.
• An 18 Volt Cordless drill.  I want to stress this, it isn’t worth going with less than 18 volts.  If you come across a pink 12 volt drill, avoid it, spend  the extra money on the 18 volt model.
• An Air Purifier.  Why Not?  It would be more ironic if it were a smokeless ashtray (I’m shocked they still make these).

I’m not making light of this, and I actually applaud their efforts.  I do wonder if they might not do better just to sell a special version of the product where they donate some portion of the proceeds to a cancer research foundation, without actually coloring the item pink.  Personally, if I’m shopping for a drill, I would probably be happy to give a few bucks to a cancer research foundation at the same time.  I don’t want a pink drill.

My favorite campaign is Save the Ta-tas.  I have no idea how effective these people are.  I don’t know if they raise much money.  But I appreciate their candor.  Just come right out and say it, Save the Ta-tas.  I would like to have been a fly on the wall for the argument where they chose “Ta-Tas” over “boobs”.

I cannot cure cancer.  I am not making light of it, but there is another disturbing trend involving the breast that really gets no attention at all, and it is completely curable.  So I’d like to talk about that for a minute.  This other situation, I am going to make light of.  And that is breast tattoos (I try to stay family friendly, and that is going to keep me from posting a link for this).

Ladies, before you consider this sort of thing, I want to give you a clear analog for breast tattoos.  It is as though you are standing in front of the Mona Lisa with a package of Sharpies thinking “I want to liven this up a little”.  There are works of beauty in the world that nobody should draw on top of, because there is simply no way you will make it any better.

It seems appropriate to include a link to a breast cancer foundation.  There are a lot of them, so I will just go with the one that seems most popular right now, Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

If you thought this was funny, please tell a friend.  If you thought it wasn’t please tell me (just post a comment).

Technorati Tags: Facebook viral color trend,bra,color,breast cancer,breast tattoo,mona lisa

A Brief Rant About Movies

Sometimes I find myself complaining about the fact that there is little originality in movies lately.  Its all incredibly formulaic, or simply remakes of old movies.  From time to time this probably makes sense.  For example, there's a great number of Stephen King movies that had little or nothing at all to do with the original story, so they could make a version of The Lawnmower Man that resembled the actual short story.  Actually upon reading that description, maybe that's not such a great idea.  I don't read Stephen King, what the hell do I know?

More often than not the old movie remakes are simply unnecessary.  Even worse, they are often remakes of old television shows.  So according to the Internet, CHiPs may be headed for the big screen.  Arrested Development, which would make a fantastic movie, I am actually hearing less and less about.

Let's think about CHiPs for just a moment, shall we?  When I was seven, I thought this show was fantastic.  Now I'm 38 and I'm just in awe of the fact that there was one TV show where both of the following statements are true:

1. Erik Estrada was sewn into his pants by a costume technician (or whatever you call such a person)
2. Bruce Jenner was an actor
3. OK, I know I said there was two things.. but how the hell did that happen?  "He won a decathlon, so we figure he can handle playing a highway patrolman"

The real problem with this, which I will state without humor, is that the remakes are generally bad, or at least not as good as the original.

One of my favorite 80s movies was Urban Cowboy, a story of a man who falls in love with a woman, and then a mechanical bull, then another woman, then the same woman all over again.  I appreciate its originality. The first time I watched it, I found the story arc surprising.  Its very original.  And "original" may well mean "stupid", I'm not sure.  It was 1980, it was a different time.  Country music was very popular, and apparently the powerful mechanical bull lobby had gotten its hooks into Hollywood.  At least I haven't heard anything about this one being remade.

While I was sitting here contemplating what to write about, I saw a commercial for a movie called "Tooth Fairy".  In this movie, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson plays a hockey enforcer sentenced to make amens for beating people up on the ice by being a tooth fairy.  This movie sounds awful to me, but I can't figure out anything that it is a remake of, and the idea is fairly original.  So they've got that working for them (this is a vague reference to Carl in Caddyshack.  Watch the movie again, its funny.  I think there's a remake planned).

Think this is funny?  Please tell a friend.  Think its terrible?  Tell me.  Just leave a comment.

My Trip to MedicocreBuy

This past weekend was North Carolina's sales tax holiday - this means there is no sales tax on items the kids will need to go back to school.  To adults it means, "What else can I buy while there is no sales tax?"  To men specifically it means, "Maybe I should upgrade the computer".
I have been considering purchasing a netbook for some time now.  The reason is obvious, not having enough computers is what is hindering my writing.  I'm full of great ideas, but I only have two computers at home, one of which is a notebook, and I'm surrounded by computers at work, where I get a lunch hour well suited to writing blog articles.  A while back I looked at the history on my blog and really cringed at the number of "I'm not writing much lately" entries.  I swore I wouldn't do those anymore, so I haven't written much.  Not because I had no ideas, no talent, or am just plain lazy, but because I don't have a computer even smaller than my 15" notebook that I can carry everywhere - unlike that cumbersome BEAST that is my regular notebook.  My problem is the lack of a netbook.  This is sarcasm, get it?
Sunday afternoon, I was on my own.  My wife was shopping for the kids, who were visiting my parents.  So I headed for MediocreBuy (I made up the name to protect the innocent and avoid lawsuits).  They had a sign outside "Follow the blue line for tax free computers".  I didn't follow the blue line.  That's right, I can't be tamed.  Also, I know where the computers are in MediocreBuy and I knew that it was easier to just walk straight to the rear of the store - the line sort of meandered around the side.
So I walk to the back only to discover, they have blocked off the computer department.  I went back and followed the blue line, which ended at a rope... well not a rope, it was one of those things that is kind of like a seatbelt between two poles, but it serves the same purpose as the velvet ropes they used to use for this sort of  application. If only I had a Studio 54 joke to go here.
When I spoke to the person guarding the "rope", they explained I could not just go browse, I would have to wait about 20 minutes until they finished with the other people on the list.  I asked the rope attendant to please tell the manager that I would be taking my business elsewhere, I would not be waiting in line to browse.
Unfortunately, the story ends there.  I was really just browsing, and in the end decided I would investigate the possibilities that I had no ideas, no talent, or am just plain lazy.  But friends of mine left and bought a computer elsewhere... and maybe they think I did too.  I certainly showed them.

A Brush with Greatness

I had to take a business trip at the end of this past April.  Now I don't want to brag, but when my company sends me on business, I get to fly "coach".  This particular trip I was flying on Southwest, so  not only was I flying coach, I was flying general admission.  Essentially the same method of ordering people that has cased numerous concert goers to be trampled to death was being used to board my airplane.  I think this may have been my fault - I think perhaps I could have been assigned a seat if I had gotten a boarding pass ahead of time.
It was Monday afternoon, and I was in the extreme North part of Terminal A at RDU airport (actually I have no idea if it is North, but it is all the way at the end of a very long building that has been added on to a couple of times).  The scene here was about as upscale as WalMart very late at night.  Airports are such an odd grouping of people under stress there was no doubt in my mind that something interesting would happen that I would write about 5 months later.
The first noteworthy thing that happened was several flights, including mine, being delayed.  I don't remember exactly why - but it was either that a crew had worked too many hours and had to be replaced, or an airplane had to be repaired.  As I walked through the crowded terminal  I saw a man in his 30s explaining to some sort of employ from Southwest that this was why the airlines are in such trouble, that planes were late and people didn't want to fly, that they needed to hurry up and get back on schedule.  I'm not sure how to stress this, but the person who was saying this was rather upset, and seemed to have no idea that the fact people don't like to wait for their flights might already have dawned on the airline.  I want to state for the record, when you are finding the crew to fix my airplane, take your time and find the best rested people you can.  And when you are fixing my airplane, please take all the time you need.  I don't want you worrying that anybody on that plane might be in a rush when you're tightening a lugnut on the airplane I am about to fly on.
I didn't feel like explaining that to the gentleman who was making the small scene in the terminal, because I would have been within his reach and I wasn't sure how he handled disagreements.  So, I made my way to an empty seat, "excuseme'd" past a tall black man who looked to be in his 50s, and sat down.  I looked over at the man, who was nodding off, and thought "wow, that's him"..."nah", "but it must be", "nah".  After a few minutes of this, the man woke up and stood to stretch his legs.  I approached him and said "Hi, were you just at Charlie Goodnights?  He slowly answered "yeah, I was".  At that moment I realized I was in the presence of entertainment greatness.  I was sharing my fairly miserable, running late, general admission flight to Las Vegas with none other than Jimmy "JJ" Walker.  I took out my phone and asked if I could get a picture with him.  He very politely said "It would make things a little easier for me if I didn't have to" - which I took to mean "if anybody else recognizes me I'll have a terminal full of idiots screaming DIN-O-MITE at me".  He offered a handshake instead, which I thought was a nice way to handle the situation.
Above is what that picture might have looked like.  I cropped Ann Coulter out of this picture (which as far as I saw was not copyrighted).